An Affliction ?
I met a local water carrier
Whilst on my way to Gwent
I begged him, “Let me quench my thirst,
For in more ways than one, I’m spent.”
He proffered me the leather cup
Filled with a honeyed dew,
I slaked my thirst and met his eye,
“Sir, my heart felt thanks to you.”
He sniffed as we stood there talking,
And said, “Have you far’ t ‘ go?”
I said, “Nay, it’s nought but flatulence,
The doctor told me so.
‘Tis a product of the broccoli,
Combined with cauliflower and cheese,
A build up of natural gasses
That can escape just when they please!”
The carrier stepped back in amazement,
By breaking wind I’d made him blush.
He struggled to control his tongue
As from his mouth the words did rush.
“Er, nay sir, I was talking distance,
As in, how far off is it that you dwell,
An enquiry? Had you far, to go?
There was no mention of a smell!”
He continued, “I beg sir, your forgiveness
If I have embarrassed you today,
Pray was it not for your.... er flatulence
I would of invited you to stay.
An affliction, I would suggest
That has lost you many friends,
For one knows not where the fart begins
And where the flatulence.... ends! “
 |
A Cool and Shady Haven |
 |
An Affliction ?
9 posts
• Page 1 of 1
by Josieclick » Thu Jun 23, 2005 1:56 pm
A tad neat the knuckle for me this week 
however.....
Raising children's a difficult problem.
They all have their own little ways,
And frequently try their poor parents
By goin' through a "difficult" phase.
In bringin' up Albert, the Ramsbottoms found,
'E were really no different from t' rest.
Pa often remarked Albert got 'im right narked,
And Ma's patience was put to the test.
Like most other lads, Albert 'ad little fads
Which left 'is poor parents despairing,
But worst one of all that they can recall
Were when little lad started swearing!
They never discovered what started 'im off,
But if to a party 'e went,
You could near guarantee that, before 'alf past three,
For bad language, 'ome 'e'd be sent!
'Is Ma were ashamed to see 'im disclaimed,
And tried all roads to cure 'is obsession,
Till Pa said 'e knew just the right thing to do
To teach young Albert a lesson.
"There'll be no more parties for you," Father said,
In a manner decisive and stern -
"Till you don't swear no more, you're not goin' through that door;
So 'appen in this way you'll learn!"
For many a week Albert scarcely dared speak,
And though many parties took place,
'Is parents said - "No - 'e just couldn't go,
And it wouldn't 'elp pullin' a face!"
After several weeks more there came through t' front door
A highly ornate invitation
For t' lad to attend at the 'ome of a friend
On some highly important occasion.
Albert pleaded to go, and promised be'aviour
Of which Ma and Pa would be proud.
'E'd not say one word they wouldn't like 'eard
If goin' this time were allowed.
At length Pa relented, and said 'e consented -
But gave lad this terrible warning -
That if, at this do, 'e used words that were blue,
'E'd be red raw the followin' morning!
Came the day of the party, and Albert set off
In 'is best suit and gaberdine Mack,
With 'is face scrubbed and shining, 'e looked a right toff.......
After just 'alf an hour 'e was back!
Pa's face went all purple, and without one word
'E took off 'is brown leather belt,
And Albert got 'iding, - 'is cries could be 'eard
In t' next street as each blow 'e felt.
When Pa stopped, exhausted, 'e just 'ad to ask
Just what Albert 'ad said, ... and with sorrow,
And tears rollin' down, the poor child replied -
"Nowt, Dad! - Bloody party's tomorrow!"
however.....
Raising children's a difficult problem.
They all have their own little ways,
And frequently try their poor parents
By goin' through a "difficult" phase.
In bringin' up Albert, the Ramsbottoms found,
'E were really no different from t' rest.
Pa often remarked Albert got 'im right narked,
And Ma's patience was put to the test.
Like most other lads, Albert 'ad little fads
Which left 'is poor parents despairing,
But worst one of all that they can recall
Were when little lad started swearing!
They never discovered what started 'im off,
But if to a party 'e went,
You could near guarantee that, before 'alf past three,
For bad language, 'ome 'e'd be sent!
'Is Ma were ashamed to see 'im disclaimed,
And tried all roads to cure 'is obsession,
Till Pa said 'e knew just the right thing to do
To teach young Albert a lesson.
"There'll be no more parties for you," Father said,
In a manner decisive and stern -
"Till you don't swear no more, you're not goin' through that door;
So 'appen in this way you'll learn!"
For many a week Albert scarcely dared speak,
And though many parties took place,
'Is parents said - "No - 'e just couldn't go,
And it wouldn't 'elp pullin' a face!"
After several weeks more there came through t' front door
A highly ornate invitation
For t' lad to attend at the 'ome of a friend
On some highly important occasion.
Albert pleaded to go, and promised be'aviour
Of which Ma and Pa would be proud.
'E'd not say one word they wouldn't like 'eard
If goin' this time were allowed.
At length Pa relented, and said 'e consented -
But gave lad this terrible warning -
That if, at this do, 'e used words that were blue,
'E'd be red raw the followin' morning!
Came the day of the party, and Albert set off
In 'is best suit and gaberdine Mack,
With 'is face scrubbed and shining, 'e looked a right toff.......
After just 'alf an hour 'e was back!
Pa's face went all purple, and without one word
'E took off 'is brown leather belt,
And Albert got 'iding, - 'is cries could be 'eard
In t' next street as each blow 'e felt.
When Pa stopped, exhausted, 'e just 'ad to ask
Just what Albert 'ad said, ... and with sorrow,
And tears rollin' down, the poor child replied -
"Nowt, Dad! - Bloody party's tomorrow!"
- Josieclick
by Daffyd » Thu Jun 23, 2005 3:20 pm
Eeee! M'thinks that I'll leave Albert wi' Josie an I'll tell thee a tale aboot Sam!
SAM'S PARROT.
Na tha's 'eard of owd Sam, well, that very same chap
Were out walking one day for a stroll
And were padding down t' high street just casual like,
On his way to sign on for the dole.
After passing three tripe shops 'e 'appened to come
To a place 'e'd not noticed afore,
'Twere a shop where they sold different live stock and pets...
A kind of menagerie store.
'E stood gawpin' in t' window at pups, slugs and birds,
All int'rested like as could be,
When a voice near at 'and seemed to shriek in his ear
'Eeh, Lad, Ah knaws summat 'bout thee.'
'E were that surprised, that t' shopman inside,
Having noticed how Sam had turned pale,
Come outside to see if owd Sam wanted owt,
He were keen like on making a sale.
'Nay Lad, there's nowt theer that I want to buy.'
And then e' went as red as a carrot,
'But that theer thing's champion by gum, I'd like 'e."
And the shopkeeper yelled 'What! That parrot?
But no lad, tha reely could not afford 'e
Unless tha can spare fifteen quid,
An' even at that price I'd lose on the deal,
She cost more'n that... that she did.
Owd Sam were crestfallen, but then an idea
Must have entered the shopkeeper's head.
'Theer's only one thing tha can do, lad, says 'e,
Take two of 'er eggs 'ome instead.
They're two bob apiece, an' all tha's to do,
Is to just shove 'em under a hen,
An' tha'll 'ave a parrot like that in a month,
Aye they're bound to be 'atched out by then.'
Well, Sam dubs up brass and goes 'ome with th' eggs
As pleased wi' 'imself as could be
And the Parrot's last words seemed to ring in his ears
'Eeh, Lad, Ah knows summat 'bout thee.'
Now it must 'ave been fully six months after that,
When Sam went down t' High Street once more.
An' 'appening to pass by that very same shop,
'E 'eard someone calling from t'door
'Eeh Lad, 'said the voice, 'but ah knows about thee.'
Said Sam, 'Aye but tha's out of luck!
'Cos Ah knows summat 'bout thee too, owd lass,
Thy bloomin' 'usband's a duck!'
SAM'S PARROT.
Na tha's 'eard of owd Sam, well, that very same chap
Were out walking one day for a stroll
And were padding down t' high street just casual like,
On his way to sign on for the dole.
After passing three tripe shops 'e 'appened to come
To a place 'e'd not noticed afore,
'Twere a shop where they sold different live stock and pets...
A kind of menagerie store.
'E stood gawpin' in t' window at pups, slugs and birds,
All int'rested like as could be,
When a voice near at 'and seemed to shriek in his ear
'Eeh, Lad, Ah knaws summat 'bout thee.'
'E were that surprised, that t' shopman inside,
Having noticed how Sam had turned pale,
Come outside to see if owd Sam wanted owt,
He were keen like on making a sale.
'Nay Lad, there's nowt theer that I want to buy.'
And then e' went as red as a carrot,
'But that theer thing's champion by gum, I'd like 'e."
And the shopkeeper yelled 'What! That parrot?
But no lad, tha reely could not afford 'e
Unless tha can spare fifteen quid,
An' even at that price I'd lose on the deal,
She cost more'n that... that she did.
Owd Sam were crestfallen, but then an idea
Must have entered the shopkeeper's head.
'Theer's only one thing tha can do, lad, says 'e,
Take two of 'er eggs 'ome instead.
They're two bob apiece, an' all tha's to do,
Is to just shove 'em under a hen,
An' tha'll 'ave a parrot like that in a month,
Aye they're bound to be 'atched out by then.'
Well, Sam dubs up brass and goes 'ome with th' eggs
As pleased wi' 'imself as could be
And the Parrot's last words seemed to ring in his ears
'Eeh, Lad, Ah knows summat 'bout thee.'
Now it must 'ave been fully six months after that,
When Sam went down t' High Street once more.
An' 'appening to pass by that very same shop,
'E 'eard someone calling from t'door
'Eeh Lad, 'said the voice, 'but ah knows about thee.'
Said Sam, 'Aye but tha's out of luck!
'Cos Ah knows summat 'bout thee too, owd lass,
Thy bloomin' 'usband's a duck!'
- Daffyd
9 posts
• Page 1 of 1
Who is online
Users browsing this forum: No registered users and 38 guests