Memories of past postings.

[Victors Mate]

The scene is the Market Square in a doorway sits Buttons flanked by the two babes he is looking after, he has given up baby sitting, he finds babes (Dejavue and Suzi) far more rewarding and a change from his wicked mistress. Each of the babes is swigging wine straight from the bottle and giggling mindlessly.

In the distance can be heard the cackling incantation of some of the wicked witches “Fee fi fo fum I smell Choklit and a creamy bun” A figure is seen coming out of the library (Monsy) she surreptitiously looks left and right before scurrying off in the direction of the wicked witches. Three more witches sweep into view in a cloud of dust (Cinders three times), Buttons gets up and hides in the doorway of a quaint cottage through the window of which comes a weird eerie green glow.

Buttons cringes back in the doorway and the witches who are Buttons mistresses fail to see him. Buttons calls his mistresses the Misses Witchlash because of their cruelty, Buttons is a nice kind man and cannot understand their cruelty to him. As they disappear from view Buttons peers through the window and sees the wizard in his tall pointy hat making wondrous images appear on a shimmering mirror.

Two swarthy men (Brokers men) swagger through the square elbowing the villagers out of the way as they head towards Scrooges counting house. Two ugly women come out of the library (the ugly sisters Monsy and Oddquine) they are the village librarians, they lock the door behind them and, arguing fiercely disappear into the fast falling night. Buttons gets up from between the two babes, where he had returned after his mistresses had gone from the square, and goes into Ye Oldie Village Offie Licence , he comes out with two fresh bottles of wine which he gives to the babes who thank him profusely and head off in the direction of the woods where they intend to drink their fill and then sleep off the effects of their libation.

In the counting house the two brokers men watch Scrooge (Bounder) counting the rents of the hovels he claims to be his, no one is sure that they are his but nobody dares to argue with the brokers men. Scrooge looks up and says the rent on this one has not been paid, my take on that should be half a guinea and Widow Cranky owes two weeks rent my take on that should be fifteen shillings.

Outside a man wanders by quoting strange verses no-one knows who he is, he is a man in his early fifties and rumour says he comes from a town in France called Poitier. . In the distance can still be heard the cackling incantation of the wicked witches “Fee fi fo fum I smell Choklit and a creamy bun” but now their numbers seem to have swelled.

A plane can be heard droning it’s way over the village in the direction of the wicked witches the plane has been chartered in the hope of preventing the wicked witches from stealing the choklit which is for delivery to a children’s party in a nearby town. A terrible collective scream comes from the witches and they rev up their broomsticks and head into the night sky, one of the witches (Cinders) is not riding astride her broomstick and appears to be attach to it in a uniquely peculiar manner. The wicked witches descend on to the plane, force open the cargo bay and amid much squabbling make off with the choklit.

The pilot (69er) fights for control of the destabilised aircraft. Down in the village the good fairy mincing gaily home from an enjoyable afternoon at some of his favourite cottages sees the stricken plane and waves his magic wand, the cargo bay door on the plane closes and the pilot regains control. “Oh that’s a nice wand you have” lisps a young man as he trips by. “Bugger off” says the good fairy (Cookie).

The scene is the woods, thunderous snores are coming from a thicket where the two babes are in a drunken stupor. Choklit wrappers drift by on the night air and in the distant slurps and sucking noises can be heard together with the cackling incantation of the wicked witches “Fee fi fo fum I smell Choklit and a creamy bun” The slurps and sucking noises are coming from a nearby coppice where the two ugly sisters who are the village librarians are watching the babes. “Oh the shame of it”, says one to the other “ the way those two chase after Buttons and the brokers men, why couldn’t they turn out to be librarians like us”. “I know” says the other “we must do something otherwise they will make us a laughing stock and that will never do”.

They continue to munch greedily on Cherry Bakewells and creamy cakes for ‘tis that that is making the slurps and sucking noises (had to clarify that for those of you with dirty minds). They were unaware that they were being watched by the good fairy who had resorted to the woods because it had been too cold on the common which was his normal haunt. “I know” exclaimed the first ugly sister “if we give some of these cakes to the wicked witches we can ask them to take the babes away to somewhere they will never be seen again”. “Stuff that for a game of soldiers” snorted the second ugly sister “I’m not giving my Cherry Bakewells and creamy cakes to no-one”. She continued ungrammatically “If we tell the wicked witches called Cinders that the babes have been trifling with the affections of Buttons they’ll do it for nothing”. “Oh don’t mention trifles” the first ugly sister groans “I’m still quite hungry, Messing with his affections I didn’t know things had gone that far I hope they practised safe sex”. “They did” replied her sister “one of them always kept a watch out for Cinders”.

The scene is the wicked witches coven deeper in the woods.

The ugly sisters are deep in conversation with the wicked witch Cinders who was getting crosser and crosser, she paced up and down and every time she turned round she knocked down the ugly sisters with the broomstick she was (erm) still sporting. Very close to could be heard the rest of the wicked witches “Fee fi fo fum I smell Choklit and a creamy bun”. The good fairy hiding behind a nearby tree was startled as the tree suddenly scratched itself with one of it’s lower branches he was even more startled when the tree said “It’s all right mate I am the old man of the woods (Glenkeller), these leaves ain’t half itchy. The good fairy peered round the old man of the woods to where the wicked witches had caught a strange looking pig with a blue coat and a hat (Pigin). They had heard that pigs were good at sniffing out truffles from around the roots of trees but they hadn’t realised that the truffles were not the choklit variety.

A man wanders by quoting strange verses no-one knows who he is, he is a man in his early fifties and rumour says he comes from a town in France called Poitier.(Polter)

Unbeknown to the good fairy others eyes are watching the scene. The wizard with the tall pointy hat stands out in the open quite invisible to the others gathered there, he wondered why the others could not see him, perhaps he mused he had accidentally hit his delete button by his side a small white rabbit (Mazzy) quivered in fear she knew someone was there but could not see him. The nothing there sneezed and the small white rabbit dashed off into the forest. The good fairy jumped at the sudden noise and bumped her head on the branches of the old man of the wood. “Oh bother” exclaimed the good fairy “that was quite a bang”. “You should be so lucky “ lisps a young man as he trips by. “Bugger off” says the good fairy. The wicked witch called Cinders rounds up a posse of wicked witches to go and find the babes. One wicked witch in particularly(Monsy) seems reluctant to go with the ugly sisters who of course are the village librarians. The number of wicked witches seems to have swollen alarmingly as have the wicked witches who have just finished off a plane load of choklit.

Meanwhile in a different part of the woods the Babes now reawakened have been joined by one of the broker’s men (Mike) and Buttons’ the other broker’s man (Steve) has declared he has had enough and departed to sunnier climes. The babes and their companions are disporting themselves and drinking their way through a case of wine brought by the broker’s man. Buttons who is far too nice to drink alcohol is stoutly refusing to drink from the bottle thrust before him. He truly is a fine upstanding character or at least that’s what the babes hope. As the wicked witches draw closer their chant “Fee fi fo fum I smell Choklit and a creamy bun”. could be heard getting louder and louder.

Pandemonium breaks out as the wicked witches burst through into the clearing and see the babes, Buttons and the Broker’s man. “Get them” scream the three wicked witches known as the Misses Witchlash to Buttons as their broomsticks which they are still (erm) wearing scatter leaves and twigs as they sweep by. The babes suddenly sober for the first time in living memory and the broker’s man and that very nice man Buttons flee from the clearing. As in the distance and rapidly getting closer can be heard the drone of an aeroplane. Suddenly in the moonlight can be seen the aeroplane and following it a huge flock of seagulls. At that precise moment the wondrous wizard materialises in the clearing behind the three Misses witchlash “He’s behind you” shout the other wicked witches the three Misses Witchlash spin round just as the wondrous wizard hits his delete button. “Oh no he isn’t” shouts the three Misses witchlash as they spin round just as the wondrous wizard hits the undo delete button “Oh yes he is” shout the wicked witches. The three Misses Witchlash spin round again just as the wondrous wizard hits his redo delete button. “Oh no he isn’t” shout the three Misses witchlash as they spin round just as the wondrous wizard hits the undo delete button “Oh yes he is” shout the wicked witches .The three Misses Witchlash spin round again just as the wondrous wizard hits his redo delete button. “Oh no he isn’t” shouts the three Misses witchlashes as they spin round just as the wondrous wizard hits the undo delete button “Oh yes he is” shout the wicked witches. The three Misses Witchlashes spin round again just as the wondrous wizard hits his redo delete button. . “Oh no he isn’t” shouts the three Misses witchlashes as they spin round just as the wondrous wizard hits the undo delete button “Oh yes he is” shout the wicked witches. “Bliddy well shut up” screams the good fairy what do you think this is a bliddy pantomime.

A man wanders by quoting strange verses no-one knows who he is, he is a man in his early fifties and rumour says he comes from a town in France called Poitier.

Suddenly the huge flock of seagulls dive squawking out of the night sky dropping their loads all over the wicked witches and Scrooge who has appeared among them trying to collect still more rent. The wondrous wizard has just about had enough and with a swirl of his coat and a wave of his arm turn the wicked witches into Christmas fayre and Scrooge into a Christmas tree.

The good fairy flies to the top of the tree and takes refuge on the very top just as the seagulls, still seeking the wicked witches and Scrooge drop their messages all over the tree. The tree shivers at this unwanted attention and the good fairy yells “Keep still or you’ll have me in the shite”. Does that tickle your fancy” lisps a young man as he trips gaily by. “Bugger off” says the good fairy.

The tree with the good fairy at it’s peek and the hardening seagull droppings glistening in the moonlight is a magnificent sight and some say that this is where the idea of decorating a tree for Christmas originates. The wondrous wizard, now becoming mightily fed up with the squawking seagulls, with a wave of his arm and a swirl of his cloak turns them into a giggling throng of nubile young ladies.

A pig is seen cowering at the edge of the clearing “Please don’t eat me” is his whimpering plea. “We won’t do that” booms the wondrous wizard and with a wave of his arm turned the grubby old pig into a handsome young man, a feat which sorely tested even his immense powers. As dawn rises the good fairy and the young man trip gaily towards the rising sun. And carried on the morning breeze could be faintly heard “Fee fi fo fum I smell Choklit and a creamy bun”.

Well now my tale has been told, all these things happened several years ago and as I sit on the bench in the market square it just falls to me to bring you up to date.

The babes, the broker’s man and the admirable nice Buttons were never seen again but word has filtered back that they dwell on a beautiful island in Poole Harbour.
The good fairy and his special friend can still be seen doing the rounds of their favourite cottages.

The ugly sisters are still librarians but they have been joined by a third librarian who bears a close resemblance to one of the wicked witches.

Scrooge has become a tall slender tree blowing this way and that in the
intensely dark forest.

The nubile young ladies have aged and their girlish giggles have gradually turned into a cackle and the village hardware store has sold out of broomsticks.

Ye Oldie Village Offie Licence closed a long time ago due to a catastrophic drop in sales.

The handsome man has got fatter and fatter and sadder and sadder and now begins to look like a pig again dressed in his blue coat and funny hat.
The rented hovels were taken over by the local council and to demonstrate his growing powers the wondrous wizard managed to turn the councillors into honest compassionate men.

The man still wanders by quoting strange verses no-one knows who he is, he is a man in his early fifties and rumour says he comes from a town in France called Poitier.

A strange eerie green glow can often be seen coming from the wondrous wizard’s window and if you peer in you can see a fluffy white rabbit with pink curled up in the old armchair by the fire which never needs making up or raking out. It is said that he is working on a spell with all the spiders in the forest to make a vast web which will cover the whole wide world and each house will have it’s own black box to keep a spider in.

People for the first time have begun to doubt his sanity and started to call him Mik, for that is the wondrous wizard’s name, gone soft which in time they have shortened to Mikgosoft.

And still when the wind comes from the direction of the woods you can faintly hear “Fee fi fo fum I smell Choklit and a creamy bun”.


That’s it there’s no more the Gin’s run out. I couldn’t include everybody even the power of gin on my feeble imagination couldn’t achieve that. I hope no-one takes offence it was all done and said in fun.

VM

[Rowan]

Brilliant Tony!!

[Lacemaker]

More, please.

[dita]

Great Story VM

[mo]

Very well written V.M.

[Dragon Lady]

Loved it!

[dejavou]

I'd forgotten I used to swig wine from bottles, now that I'm a respectable pensioner you kmow

Loved it VM

[Jo]

Ten out of ten. Very Good.

[Oddquine]

Nostalgia rules............OK!