I'm a celebrity......the Rowan Tree version......

[Monsy]

"Right" says Monsy to Deja, putting down her fur sammige "stop picking the cockroach legs out of your teeth and listen here to me" As Monsy had that wee gleam of malice in her eye Deja immediately put down her bestest Stanley knife and paid attention. "Us laydeez here at Rowan's hivny had a worthwhile adventure for ages, and seeing as we eat all those things anyway, and we don't wash, how's about we go and join thon celebrities in the jungle?

Deja was a bit miffed about the "don't wash" bit, as she had axiderdently got some splashes on her when she was trying to clean the scabies off Himself with some Hyrochloric acid, and had quickly doused herself in the washing up water, still sitting there from the day before, as Himself hadn't emptied it again....she was bliddy furious when she realised the chip pan was still in there.........

"Who could we get to come with us?" said Deja. Monsy had thought about this very carefully in her usual slapdash way." We can fix some sickles to Rowan's mobility scooter, and attach some carts at the back. A bit like a train, see? "Are you Welsh" said Deja cheekily, but she soon shut up when she saw Monsy's brown check slipper burst off her foot as her leg went purple and doubled in size. "We can load all our supplies into the back and Rowan can drive her way through the jungle. We can follow her with cammyflage all over ourselves. Then we suddenly appear".........

We had better send for VM, when he's finished bleaching the dunny, he'll come in right handy for all the cooking and stuff.

"What about the rest of the laydeez?" said Deja, but she was too late, Monsy was outside shouting for Stephen. After a few minutes a monstrous bird appeared. On his head was a jet black wig and he was wearing a leather coat. "Stephen doll" says Monsy, "now you are no longer appearing on that programme where you are pretending to be a polis in America, I have a wee task for you" Stephen, who adored Monsy to the point of disbelief, instantly went in search of all his henchmen, his heart fair bursting at the thought of all the goodies to be found rooting in his beloved's bestest cardigan.

In the air over Britain, satellite viewers were outraged when huge flocks of seagulls appeared and merged into one enormous being, making straight for the Rowan Tree..........

[Victors Mate]

VM from his spot on the river bank saw the huge flock of seagulls and recognised Stephen at the very front, “Oh dear” mumbled VM to himself as he took another swig from his medicine “Here we go again; gotta be that Monsy up to something”. Just then Stephen simultaneous broke wind and ranks and dropped down to deliver Monsy’s message.

“The jungle” gasped VM and took several mouthfuls of medicine, “me in the bliddy jungle with all them celebrities and their friends and me who burns under a TocH lamp.”

Just then Mazzy and Lacie approached hoping to have a dose of VM’s medicine before it had all evaporated. “What do you two want?” said VM quickly hiding his bottle. “What are you up to?” they asked. “Me? I’m not up to nuffin” slurred VM ungrammatically, “it’s that Monsy look at this” he added handing over Stephen’s message.

Lacie was mortified, in fact her morti had never been more fied. “I’m not going to any Jungle, I’m sick of the heat and can you imagine Monsy and that déjà without their many cardies phew it’s not worth thinking about.”

Just then the ever bright one with the LLL’s chirps up “It’s a good idea but I don’t fancy the jungle how about we suggest the Arctic it would suit Stephen and his mates and we could catch fish through an ice hole.” “I’d like to kick some of those celebrities in the ice hole” said VM with feeling. Meanwhile Lacie, who was searching for VM’s medicine bottle said “we’d better ask Monsy, mind you those Scottish folk are used to the Arctic climate, they call it summer and prance around in bikinis.” ……

[dejavou]

Lacey is taking some nets which she sto .... borrowed from Monsy on her last visit, she says they help ward off the marauding kangeroo's that are looking for their wedding tackle and I'm sure she's right been an antipodean herself

In the meantime Deja searching out some bushtucker trials for VM ...... LET ME SEE

[Victors Mate]

Lumbering over the horizon comes - - - - - is that a polar bear? - - - - - no its deja draped in Monsy's nets that she [s]sto[/s] borrowed.

[Rowan]

Meanwhile, back at Rowan Tree HQ, Rowan was busy getting Davy to paint her bestest mobility scooter with camouflage paint and a flagpole with a St Andrews cross erected on the back of the seat (well, it is nearly St Andrews Day). While Davy did that, Rowan raked through her wardrobe for some suitable cardies to wear in either the jungle or the arctic and loading up on batteries and Refreshers

[Lacemaker]

The ringing of bells and the clanking of chains was heard in the distance as woebegone looking figure gradually crept closer dragging a huge rocking chair behind him with a barrel hidden in a bag on the seat of it.

What you got there, demanded Monsy, rearranging the bats which tastefully decorated her dreadlocks. You can't take those with you - there isn't room on the broomsticks for them.

If you think I'm going without something to sit on next to that hole in the ice then you can think again, said Polter (for it was he) making sure he was well clear of Monsy's incredible talons. And what's that in the bag, she added with a fierce look on her face which terrified him. I've got to keep warm somehow, he said in a faint voice.

Just as he was about to be hammered into the ground, Monsy caught sight of .............

[Shutterfrog]

Monsy spied the flag of the Amurican reporter........ that Frog person. Not remembering if there had been an invitation sent or not, Monsy set out to investergate a bit on Frog's presence.................

[Monsy]

Monsy was still in bed, her Army & Navy blankets from a chattery shop, pulled firmly round her curlers as she lay distraught and weeping softly into a box of choklit gingers. Her beloved fiancy Wagner had been voted off the X Factor. "Does this mean that thon boy band are going to win after all?" she mused. Of course, we all know that it isn't fixed and the judges...err Simon ......couldn't possibly arrange something like THAT!

While she lay in her pit of misery an idea sprang into her grief stricken brain....could she possibly kidnap Wagner and smuggle him into the jungle, disguised as a Tasmanian Devil? If caught, she could claim that she had brought him along to fight off all thon badgers, intent on eating June's peanut butter sammiges. Monsy has already made up her mind that if that Gillian McKeech starts she is going to gub her. Monsy was outraged when she saw the devious one telling Bez out the Happy Mondays that she had started her period. "How distasteful" thought Monsy, "she's at least 70!" Monsy is a bit worried about him, his teeth are as near blinding as her nets........

[Victors Mate]

VM sat next to his ice hole saying "eenie, meenie, minnie, mo" over an assortment of bottles before taking "mo" and pouring a generous measure of Cointreau into a large glass and chinking off a small nugget of ice and dropping it into the glass with a satisfying plop. "No way I am going to the jungle" he thought, "the wild life and bugs must be terrifying and that's just in Monsy's cardie.

Then the approaching sound of ringing bells and clanking chains was heard. Setting down a huge rocking chair next to the ice hole Polter said (for it was he) "As ice holes go you have got a very nice one."

VM mishearing Polter blushing furiously blurted in a very deep voice "do you want some ice in that malt?" Polter with a withering look declined the offer. "Why didn't you go to the jungle with the others?" Polter asked. "Well the thought of all those creepy crawlies put me off big time and that just in Lacey's vest and then they threatened to make me cook one of those Celebs well come on there is no way you could give one of them any taste is there?" "Thussa a ver good point" slurred Polter slumping down in his rocking chair.

VM was lost in [s]medie[/s] [s]medy[/s] [s]medi[/s] thought "I wonder how many will join Polter and I in the cool clean Arctic and how many will go to the sweaty celebrity infested jungle and with that VM's eyes drooped and he fell into a dream filled sleep.

[Monsy]

At last everything was ready. The laydeez all met at Hazel's house. Hazel was especially touched as Monsy handed her a little box, carefully coloured in with green crayon and glistening with sprinklies. "Here you are Hazel, your very own fly, youse two are re-united at last!". Hazel steeled herself and opened the box and was dismayed to see a lone raisin impaled with a pin lying in the box. Monsy watched carefully, as she didn't want Hazel to know she had licked all the choklit off. Unfortunately the fly had perished some time ago. Monsy had tried to mount it (no, not like that you dirty besoms) but had hit it a wee bit too hard with the hammer. "I thought it was my fly Mons, I think you've got a kangaroo loose in the top paddock" said a furious Hazel. Mons bravely bit back a tear as Hazel then launched into unimaginable swearies, only stopping when she got a swift backhander from Gina. "Control yasself" said Gina, "remember you is a laydee" "Strewth! Gina, you don't half pack a wallop, have you been taking photies of Skippy again?" said Hazel rubbing her jaw and re-arranging her wallies..............

"I don't know if we should still go in the jungle now that Gillain McKeech has come out" said Mazzy "Come out" exclaimed Mo "I didn't know she was gay" Mo had been recruited as she was the telly expert for the laydeez and always knew what happening. They had also tried to get Maisie to come along, but she said she was busy making curtains for her new Anderson Shelter. Maisie secretly thought she would rather have the measles, but she was far too kaind to say so.

[Rowan]

Steviebaby screeched to a halt outside Rowan Tree HQ - all set to take Rowan in her bestest ballgown to Hazel's house. He was muttering under his breath about Hazel and something about diesel and petrol. He was getting more and more excited and redder in the face than usual, Rowan had to throw a pot of stale soup over him to calm him down. Rowan had lots to do before leaving - there were the three policemen in the cellar. They had been there a whiley - maybe six months and they were pretty hairy with bleached skin. After the door was opened, they ran off screaming. Steviebaby thought this would be a good time to make a getaway but Rowan wanted to take her bags of tricks with her and Oddie had confishcaked the big scissors and the matches. Eventually they got off, Steviebaby smelling distinctly like penicillin but at least not gibbering.

[Victors Mate]

As they departed a long distance sea gull, he had been trained by Stephen who had been reading the chapter in the “Allo, “Allo manual on “How to train a long distant Duck” Stephen had not got the training quite right and the long distance sea gull asked in a really refeneed voice “How do you do could you please offer me guidance I am seeking a certain ice hole and two gentleman called VM and Polter.

Hearing VM and Polter referred to as gentlemen Rowan laughed fit to bust her corset.
Rowan asked why Monsy wanted VM and Polter. The long distance sea gull gestured towards a note attached to his leg. Rowan read the note “We have caught a celeb but we don’t know how to cook it Penny’s cook book come closest with a recipe for braising celery does VM think we could use it to braise a celeb? And that Polter has all the [s]whis[/s] meddycine and we is all [s]thir[/s] ill..

Rowan quickly folded and reattached the note and hastily gave the long distance sea gull directions as Steviebaby seemed very anxious to be on his way to Hazel’s house. As they raced away Rowan vaguely remembered that there was still a gas repair man shut in the cellar - - - -.

[Lacemaker]

Meanwhile Hazel was planning her revenge on Monsy for not taking better care of the pedigree fly which she had gone to great a trouble deal of to smug.... errr ..... import for her from Australia. She remembered that Monsy had a colony of ferocious Tarantula spiders which were excellent at spinning the mantraps that Monsy needed for filling her cellars full of vict...... errr ...... guests. These would be just the thing to provide a tasty meal for the celebrities in the jungle. If they had all moved to that ice hole then they could be deep frozen until needed.

[Shutterfrog]

Mons bravely bit back a tear as Hazel then launched into unimaginable swearies, only stopping when she got a swift backhander from Gina. "Control yasself" said Gina, "remember you is a laydee" "Strewth! Gina, you don't half pack a wallop, have you been taking photies of Skippy again?" said Hazel rubbing her jaw and re-arranging her wallies..............

I had quite forgotten about the strength training that Oddie had signed me up for AND made sure I followed through with.

And now I must be off to help that Hazel woman with the freezing of the ferocious Tarantula spiders to make desserts for our victi................... err guests.