Open letter to my dogs

[Emm]

Dear Dogs,

When I say move, it means go someplace else, not switch positions
with each other so there are still two dogs in the way.
The dishes with the paw print are yours and contain your food. The
other dishes are mine and contain my food. Please note, placing a
paw print in the middle of my plate and food does not stake a claim
for it becoming your food and dish, nor do I find that aesthetically
pleasing in the slightest.
The stairway was not designed by Nascar and is not a racetrack.
Beating me to the bottom is not the object. Tripping me doesn't
help, because I fall faster than you can run.
I cannot buy anything bigger than a king size bed. I am very sorry
about this. Do not think I will continue to sleep on the couch to
ensure your comfort. Look at videos of dogs sleeping; they can
actually curl up in a ball. It is not necessary to sleep
perpendicular to each other stretched out to the fullest extent
possible. I also know that sticking tails straight out and having
tongues hanging out the other end to maximize space used is nothing
but doggy sarcasm.
My compact discs are not miniature Frisbees.
For the last time, there is not a secret exit from the bathroom. If
by some miracle I beat you there and manage to get the door shut, it
is not necessary to claw, whine, try to turn the knob, or get your
paw under the edge and try to pull the door open. I must exit
through the same door I entered. In addition, I have been using
bathrooms for years, canine attendance is not mandatory.
And finally, the proper order is kiss me, then go smell other dogs'
butts. I cannot stress this enough. It would be such a simple change
for you guys to make.

[Maywalk]

Loved it Emm P

[Rowan]