Let me tell you a story.....

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Let me tell you a story.....

Postby daffyd » Mon Mar 19, 2012 4:56 pm

If you have a few minutes...... try and get through this...a politically correct version of the birth of Jesus....... quite fascinating!

Jesus and the Elves

And Joseph went up from Galilee to Bethlehem with Mary, his espoused wife, who was great with child. And she brought forth a son and wrapped him in swaddling clothes and laid him in a manger because there was no room for them in the inn. And the angel of the Lord spoke to the shepherds and said, "I bring you tidings of great joy. Unto you is born a Savior,which is Christ the Lord."

"There's a problem with the angel," said a Pharisee who happened to be strolling by.
As he explained to Joseph, angels are widely regarded as religious symbols, and the stable was on public property where such symbols were not allowed to land or even hover.

"And I have to tell you, this whole thing looks to me very much like a Nativity scene," he said sadly. "That's a no-no, too." Joseph had a bright idea. "What if I put a couple of reindeer over there near the ox and ass?" he said, eager to avoid sectarian strife.

"That would definitely help," said the Pharisee, who knew as well as anyone that whenever a savior appeared, judges usually liked to be on the safe side and surround it with deer or woodland creatures of some sort. "Just to clinch it, throw in a candy cane and a couple of elves and snowmen,too," he said. "No court can resist that."

Mary asked, "What does my son's birth have to do with snowmen?" "Snowpersons," cried a young woman, changing the subject before it veered dangerously toward religion. Off to the side of the crowd, a Philistine was painting the Nativity scene. Mary complained that she and Joseph looked too tattered and worn in the picture. "Artistic license," he said. "I've got to show the plight of the haggard homeless in a greedy, uncaring society in winter," he quipped. "We're not haggard or homeless. The inn was just full," said Mary. "Whatever," said the painter.

Two women began to argue fiercely. One said she objected to Jesus' birth "because it privileged motherhood ." The other scoffed at virgin births, but said that if they encouraged more attention to diversity in family forms and the rights of single mothers, well, then, she was all for them. "I'm not a single mother," Mary started to say, but she was cut off by a third woman who insisted that swaddling clothes are a form of child abuse, since they restrict the natural movement of babies.

With the arrival of 10 child advocates, all trained to spot infant abuse and manger rash, Mary and Joseph were pushed to the edge of the crowd, where arguments were breaking out over how many reindeer (or what mix of reindeer and seasonal sprites) had to be installed to compensate for the infant's unfortunate religious character.

An older man bustled up, bowling over two merchants, who had been busy debating whether an elf is the same as a fairy and whether the elf/fairy should be shaking hands with Jesus in the crib or merely standing to the side, jumping around like a sports mascot.

"I'd hold off on the reindeer," the man said, explaining that the use of asses and oxen as picturesque backdrops for Nativity scenes carries the subliminal message of human dominance. He passed out two leaflets, one denouncing manger births as invasions of animal space, the other arguing that stables are "penned environments" where animals are incarcerated against their will. He had no opinion about elves or candy canes.

Signs declaring "Free the Bethlehem 2" began to appear, referring to the obviously exploited ass and ox. Someone said the halo on Jesus' head was elitist. Mary was exasperated. "And what about you, old mother?" she said sharply to an elderly woman. "Are you here to attack the shepherds as prison guards for excluded species, maybe to complain that singing in Latin identifies us with our Roman oppressors, or just to say that I should have skipped patriarchal religiosity and joined some dumb new-age goddess religion?"

"None of the above," said the woman, "I just wanted to tell you that the Magi are here." Sure enough, the three wise men rode up. The crowd gasped, "They're all male!" And "Not very multicultural!" "Balthasar here is black," said one of the Magic. "Yes, but how many of you are gay or disabled?" someone shouted. A committee was quickly formed to find an impoverished lesbian wise-person among the halt and lame of Bethlehem.

A calm voice said, "Be of good cheer, Mary, you have done well and your son will change the world." At last, a sane person, Mary thought. She turned to see a radiant and confident female face. The woman spoke again: "There is one thing, though. Religious holidays are important, but can't we learn to celebrate them in ways that unite, not divide? For instance, instead of all this business about 'Gloria in excelsis Deo,' why not just 'Season's Greetings'?"

Mary said, "You mean my son has entered human history to deliver the message, 'Hello, it's winter'?" "That's harsh, Mary," said the woman. "Remember, your son could make it big in midwinter festivals, if he doesn't push the religion thing too far. Centuries from now, in nations yet unborn, people will give each other pricey gifts and have big office parties on his birthday. That's not chopped liver." "Let me get back to you," Mary said.


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Re: Let me tell you a story.....

Postby daffyd » Mon Mar 19, 2012 4:59 pm

An Indian walks into a trading post and asks for toilet paper. The clerk asks if he would like no name, Charmin, or White Cloud.
"White Cloud sounds like good Indian toilet paper," says the Indian. "How much is it?"

"$1.00 a roll," the clerk replies.

"That seems pretty expensive," responds the Indian. "What about the others?"

"Charmin is $2.00 a roll, and no name is 50 cents a roll."

The Indian doesn't have much money, so he opts for the no name. Within a few hours, he is back at the trading post.

"I have a name for the no name toilet paper," he announces to the clerk. "We shall call it John Wayne."

"Why?" asks the confused clerk.

"Cause it's rough and it's tough and it don't take no crap off an Indian."



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Re: Let me tell you a story.....

Postby dita » Mon Mar 19, 2012 5:05 pm

:roflmao: :roflmao: :roflmao: :lol:
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Re: Let me tell you a story.....

Postby daffyd » Mon Mar 19, 2012 5:09 pm

Here's a few fey the next Burns nicht supper.....

Och mon, who's up for a few fun and games, they're in the dialect yi ken!

A wee toatie wummin, went tae the Doc's, an says, Ah'm a' scadded up at the tap ae ma legs, an ri Doc' took a look, an' wrote oot a prescription, an' she says, Wul' ah' jist take it doon tae ri' Chemist's ?? an' he says Naw, take it tae ri' cobbler, an huv um take three inches aff yur wellies.!!!


An undertaker, went tae an irish hoose tae dae his joab oan a bloke, that passed away. He came oot ae ri' room an' intae ri' kitchen, an there wis a few peepul 'ere. He says, Ah' furgote tae bring ri' trestles, fur the boady, Kin ye gie me three chairs fur the corpse?? An a' ri peepul stood up an says, Hip, Hip, Hooray!!


Annura Irishman decided tae go oan a safari, an jined up wi a crew that wis gaun. The big game hunter, explained a' aboot it, an' telt thum that they hud tae be careful' lookin fur big game. Anywey, the Irish joker, wis gaun thro' ri trees, an he came acroass a stoatin blonde, sittin' oan a rock, an' he says tae hur, Hey, ur you gemme??? an she says, Aye,an he shot hur!!


Three cockeyed men, were up in front ae a cockeyed Judge, an' ri judge says tae ri furs wan, Whuts yur name?? an' ri second wan says, John Smith!! an' ri judge says, Ah wisnae talkin' tae you!! an the third wan says, Ah' never even opened ma mooth!!


Noo ah bet yuh had tae read a few o'them ower and oewer again.....eh?

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Re: Let me tell you a story.....

Postby daffyd » Thu Mar 22, 2012 4:48 pm

This is a story about Flight engineers and Pilots...... come.....fly with me.....

Here are some actual maintenance complaints submitted by Qantas' pilots (marked with a P) and the solutions recorded (marked with an S) by maintenance engineers.



P: Left inside main tyre almost needs replacement.
S: Almost replaced left inside main tyre.


P: Test flight OK, except auto-land very rough.
S: Auto-land not installed on this aircraft.


P: Something loose in cockpit.
S: Something tightened in cockpit.


P: Dead bugs on windshield.
S: Live bugs on back-order.


P: Autopilot in altitude-hold mode produces a 200 feet per minute descent.
S: Cannot reproduce problem on ground.


P: Evidence of leak on right main landing gear.
S: Evidence removed.


P: DME volume unbelievably loud.
S: DME volume set to more believable level.


P: Friction locks cause throttle levers to stick.
S: That's what friction locks are for.


P: IFF inoperative in OFF mode.
S: IFF always inoperative in OFF mode.


P: Suspected crack in windshield.
S: Suspect you're right.


P: Number 3 engine missing.
S: Engine found on right wing after brief search.


P: Aircraft handles funny............ (I love this one!)
S: Aircraft warned to straighten up, fly right, and be serious.


P: Target radar hums.
S: Reprogrammed target radar with lyrics.


P: Mouse in cockpit.
S: Cat installed.

And the best one for last..................


P: Noise coming from under instrument panel. Sounds like a midget pounding on something with a hammer.
S: Took hammer away from midget.


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Re: Let me tell you a story.....

Postby Penny » Thu Mar 22, 2012 4:51 pm

Very good, lengthy but good. cheers Penny
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Re: Let me tell you a story.....

Postby daffyd » Thu Mar 22, 2012 5:12 pm

The train was quite crowded, so a U. S. Marine walked the entire length looking for a seat, but the only seat left was taken by a well dressed, middle-aged, French woman's poodle. The war-weary Marine asked, 'Ma'am, may I have that seat?' The French woman just sniffed and said to no one in particular, 'Americans are so rude. My little Fifi is using that seat.'

The Marine walked the entire train again, but the only seat left was under that dog. 'Please, ma'am. May I sit down? I'm very tired.' She snorted, 'Not only are you Americans rude, you are also arrogant!'
This time the Marine didn't say a word; he just picked up the little dog, tossed it out the compartment door, and sat down.

The woman shrieked, 'Someone must defend my honor! This American should be put in his place!'

An English gentleman sitting nearby spoke up, 'Sir, you Americans often seem to have a penchant for doing the wrong thing. You hold the fork in the wrong hand. You drive your cars on the wrong side of the road. And now, sir, you seem to have thrown the wrong bitch out of the door.

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Re: Let me tell you a story.....

Postby daffyd » Thu Mar 22, 2012 5:15 pm

Now dis am as truthful as de politician y'all voted for.....

A beautiful fairy appeared one day to a destitute refugee claimant outside
the London immigration offices.
'My good man,' the fairy said, 'I've been told to grant you three wishes,
since you just arrived in England with your wife and eight children.'
The man told the fairy. 'Well, where I come from we don't have good teeth,
so I want new teeth, maybe a lot of gold in them ..'.
' The fairy looked at the man's almost toothless grin and -- PING ! -- he
had a brand new shining set
of gold teeth in his mouth!
'What else?' asked the fairy, 'two more to go.'
The refugee claimant now got bolder. 'I need a big house with a three car
garage in Knightsbridge with eight bedrooms for my family and the rest of my
refugee relatives who still live in my country. I want to bring them all
over here ..'
PING ! - In the distance there could be seen a beautiful mansion with a three
car garage, a long driveway, a walkout patio with a BBQ and swimming pool
in an upmarket neighbourhood.
'One more wish', said the fairy, waving her wand.. 'Yes, one more wish.'
'I want to be like an Englishman with English clothes instead of manjams,
and a baseball cap instead of this turban ... And I want to have white
skin like an Englishman.'
PING ! - The man was transformed, wearing worn out jeans, a Chelsea T-shirt
and baseball cap. He had his bad teeth back and the mansion had disappeared
from the horizon.
'What happened to my new teeth?' he wailed. 'Where is my new house?'
The fairy said 'Tough luck. Now that you are English, you have to fend for
yourself.'
And she disappeared!

She did! Just upped and disappeared like your pension after the budget!
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Re: Let me tell you a story.....

Postby daffyd » Thu Mar 22, 2012 5:29 pm

Then there was Grandpa's tale.....


A tough old cowboy from Missoula, Montana, counseled his grandson that if he wanted
to live a long life, the secret was to sprinkle a pinch of gun powder on his oatmeal
every morning. The grandson did this religiously to the age of 103.
When he died, he left 14 children, 30 grandchildren, 45 great
grandchildren, 25 great-great grandchildren, and a 15-foot hole where the crematorium
used to be !!


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Re: Let me tell you a story.....

Postby vannin » Fri Mar 23, 2012 9:11 pm

They are all good! :roflmao: :roflmao: :roflmao:

Viv

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Re: Let me tell you a story.....

Postby dejavou » Sat Mar 24, 2012 4:37 pm

All very funny
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Re: Let me tell you a story.....

Postby dita » Sun Mar 25, 2012 12:13 pm

Made me laugh, thanks
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Re: Let me tell you a story.....

Postby Monsy » Mon Mar 26, 2012 12:20 pm

Haha! very funny.

The one about the Burns night Supper....was just like talking to the Miggsy........
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Re: Let me tell you a story.....

Postby daffyd » Mon Mar 26, 2012 3:36 pm

NEWS FLASH!

The Government has announced they intend to make
It more difficult to claim Welfare.



Starting next Monday the forms will be printed in
English only.
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Re: Let me tell you a story.....

Postby daffyd » Wed Mar 28, 2012 7:52 pm

Norwegian Love Story

Ole & Lena lived by lake in Nordern Minnesota . It vas early vinter
and da lake had froze over.

Ole asked Lena if she vould valk across da frozen lake to da yeneral
store to get him some smokes. She asked him for some money, but he
told her, Nah, yust put it on our tab.

So Lena valked across, got the smokes at da yeneral store, den walked
back home across the lake. Ven she got home and gave Ole his smokes,
she asked him, Ole, you alvays tell me not to run up da tab at da
store. Why didn't you yust give me some money?

Ole replied, Vell, I didn't vant to send you out dere vit some money
ven I vasn't sure how tick the ice vas yet.



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