Let me tell you a story.....

Jokes and funny stories

Re: Let me tell you a story.....

Postby daffyd » Mon May 21, 2012 8:56 pm

This is about......

The Cow, an Ant and an Old Fart


A cow, an ant and an old fart are debating on
who is the greatest of the three of them.


The cow said, "I give 20 quarts of milk every
day and that's why I am the greatest!"


The ant said, "I work day and night, summer
and winter, I can carry 52 times my own
weight and that's why I am the greatest!"





















Why are you scrolling down? It's your turn

to say something... :sunglasses:
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Re: Let me tell you a story.....

Postby daffyd » Sun Jun 10, 2012 7:10 pm

GOTCHA!

One night 4 college students were partying until late and did not study
For a test which was scheduled for the next day.
In the morning, they thought of a plan.
They made themselves look as dirty as possible, with grease and dirt.
They then went to the teacher and said that they had gone to a wedding
Last night and on their return, a tyre burst on their car and they had to
Push the car all the way back home and that they were in no condition to
Do the test.
The teacher kindly allowed them to do a re-test after 3 days.
They thanked him and said they would be ready by that time.

On the third day, they went for their test.
The teacher said that as this was a Special Condition Test, all four were
Required to sit in separate classrooms.
They all agreed as they had prepared well in the last 3 days...



The test consisted of 1 single question, worth a total of 100 Marks........







Q. 1. Which tyre?

a) Front Left b) Front Right
c) Back Left d) Back Right



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Re: Let me tell you a story.....

Postby daffyd » Sun Jun 10, 2012 7:23 pm

I was going to post this in the 'Bitching Room' but you'd just laugh at me!

This is something to think about when negative people are doing their best to rain on your parade.
So remember this story the next time someone who knows nothing and cares less tries to make your life miserable.

A woman was at her hairdresser's getting her hair styled for a trip to Rome with her husband.. She mentioned the trip to the hairdresser, who responded:

" Rome ? Why would anyone want to go there? It's crowded and dirty.. You're crazy to go to Rome .. So, how are you getting there?"

"We're taking BA," was the reply. "We got a great rate!"

"BA?" exclaimed the hairdresser.. " That's a terrible airline. Their planes are old, their flight attendants are ugly, and they're always late. So, where are you staying in Rome ?"

"We'll be at this exclusive little place over on Rome 's Tiber River called Teste."

"Don't go any further. I know that place. Everybody thinks its gonna be something special and exclusive, but it's really a dump."

"We're going to go to see the Vatican and maybe get to see the Pope."

"That's rich," laughed the hairdresser. You and a million other people trying to see him. He'll look the size of an ant.

Boy, good luck on this lousy trip of yours. You're going to need it..."

A month later, the woman again came in for a hairdo. The hairdresser asked her about her trip to Rome

"It was wonder ful," explained the woman, "not only were we on time in one of BA's brand new planes, but it was overbooked, and they bumped us up to first class. The food and wine were wonderful, and I had a handsome 28-year-old steward who waited on me hand and foot.

And the hotel was great! They'd just finished a £5 million remodelling job, and now it's a jewel, the finest hotel in the city. They too, were overbooked, so they apologized and gave us their owner's suite at no extra charge!"

"Well," muttered the hairdresser, "that's all well and good, but I bet you didn't get to see the Pope."

"Actually, we were quite lucky, because as we toured the Vatican, a Swiss Guard tapped me on the shoulder, and explained that the Pope likes to meet some of the visitors, and if I'd be so kind as to step into his private room and wait, the Pope would personally greet me.

Sure enough, five minutes later, the Pope walked through the door and shook my hand! I knelt down and he spoke a few words to me"

"Oh, really! What'd he say ?"


He said: "Bless you! Who the HELL did your hair?"



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Re: Let me tell you a story.....

Postby Penny » Mon Jun 11, 2012 2:29 pm

Brilliant, keep them coming. cheers Penny
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Re: Let me tell you a story.....

Postby daffyd » Fri Sep 07, 2012 8:13 pm

Och mon, who's up for a few fun and games, they're in the dialect yi ken!

A wee toatie wummin, went tae the Doc's, an says, Ah'm a' scadded up at the tap ae ma legs, an ri Doc' took a look, an' wrote oot a prescription, an' she says, Wul' ah' jist take it doon tae ri' Chemist's ?? an' he says Naw, take it tae ri' cobbler, an huv um take three inches aff yur wellies.!!!


An undertaker, went tae an irish hoose tae dae his joab oan a bloke, that passed away. He came oot ae ri' room an' intae ri' kitchen, an there wis a few peepul 'ere. He says, Ah' furgote tae bring ri' trestles, fur the boady, Kin ye gie me three chairs fur the corpse?? An a' ri peepul stood up an says, Hip, Hip, Hooray!!


Annura Irishman decided tae go oan a safari, an jined up wi a crew that wis gaun. The big game hunter, explained a' aboot it, an' telt thum that they hud tae be careful' lookin fur big game. Anywey, the Irish joker, wis gaun thro' ri trees, an he came acroass a stoatin blonde, sittin' oan a rock, an' he says tae hur, Hey, ur you gemme??? an she says, Aye,an he shot hur!!


Three cockeyed men, were up in front ae a cockeyed Judge, an' ri judge says tae ri furs wan, Whuts yur name?? an' ri second wan says, John Smith!! an' ri judge says, Ah wisnae talkin' tae you!! an the third wan says, Ah' never even opened ma mooth!!



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Re: Let me tell you a story.....

Postby daffyd » Thu Oct 04, 2012 7:35 pm

Having a giraffe (laugh)

The Grim Reaper came for me last night and I beat him off with a vacuum cleaner. Talk about Dyson with death.

A mate of mine recently admitted to being addicted to brake fluid but when I quizzed him on it, he reckoned he could stop any time.

I went to the cemetery yesterday to lay some flowers on a grave. As I was standing there I noticed four grave diggers walking about with a coffin. Three hours later and they're still walking about with it. I thought to myself, they've lost the plot!!

My daughter asked me for a pet spider for her birthday, so I went to our local pet shop and they were £70!!! Blow this, I thought. I can get one cheaper off the web.

I was at an ATM yesterday when a little old lady asked if I could check her balance, so I pushed her over.

I start a new job in Seoul next week. I thought it was a good Korea move.

I was driving this morning when I saw an AA van parked up. The driver was sobbing uncontrollably and looked very miserable. I thought to myself that guy's heading for a breakdown.

My neighbour knocked on my door at 2:30am this morning. Can you believe that, 2:30am?! Luckily for him I was still up playing my bagpipes.

Paddy says, "Mick, I'm thinking of buying a Labrador . ”Bugger that!" says Mick. "Have you seen how many of their owners go blind?"

My girlfriend thinks that I'm a stalker. Well, she's not exactly my girlfriend yet.

A wife says to her husband, “You're always pushing me around and talking behind my back.” He says, “What do you expect? You're in a wheelchair.”

The wife has been missing a week now. Police said to prepare for the worst, so I have been to the charity shop to get all her clothes back.

When I was in the pub I heard a couple of plonkers saying that they wouldn't feel safe on an aircraft if they knew the pilot was a woman. What a pair of sexists. I mean, it's not as if she'd have to reverse the bloody thing!

Local Police hunting the 'knitting needle nutter’, who has stabbed six people in the last 48 hours, believe the attacker could be following some kind of pattern.

Bought some 'rocket salad' yesterday but it went off before I could eat it!

Just got back from my mate's funeral. He died after being hit on the head with a tennis ball. It was a lovely service.

19 paddies go to the cinema, the ticket lady asks "Why so many of you?" Mick replies, "The film said 18 or over."


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Re: Let me tell you a story.....

Postby Penny » Thu Oct 04, 2012 8:44 pm

Brilliant, cheers Penny
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Re: Let me tell you a story.....

Postby dita » Thu Oct 04, 2012 10:32 pm

Thanks for the giggle Daffyd xx
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Re: Let me tell you a story.....

Postby daffyd » Tue Oct 09, 2012 7:05 pm

FANTASTIC!

These exercises are only for people who fall gently.


Husband and wife team... Why don't you try this at home.....just for a laugh?


They do this so effortlessly, that is the
beauty of this routine, which makes it
funnier. And she in a dress and heels.

http://biggeekdad.com/2012/05/the-jovers/
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Re: Let me tell you a story.....

Postby Penny » Tue Oct 09, 2012 7:57 pm

So clever, I bet his shoulders hurt with those heels. Thank you cheers penny
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Re: Let me tell you a story.....

Postby daffyd » Wed Oct 17, 2012 6:53 pm

Well....its more like a series of observations....

As I have often been told...... it is no good getting the needle if you have lost the thread. Repartee being my forte I came back with the reposte, "Paranoia is a hard act to follow !" I don't know about you guys but I find having an arguement with my wife is like trying to have the last word with an echo. I said that to a mate of mine and the smart **** said, "I don't know about that Daffyd see, I've never argued with your wife."

"Listen here boyho" I said "You could improve your development if you took yourself off and sat in a dark room."
My mate he's an alcoholic musician.............. he can't get past the first bar. He said to me once, "If you ever get driven to drink mate, make sure you get a lift home." Nice of him wasn't it? Nice ! I like a drink but I am not to happy with the moaning after the night before. I'm not going to fast for you am I boyho? Type a little slower shall I ? There, how's that?

I never told you this before have I? I was called to the bar when I was eighteen............. and I've never left it. Humour I find is boundless and all people see things from a different angle, but only when they are so inclined. In this compensation culture which besets us I figure that the ultimate claim for compensation must be, being conceived without your consent.

Did I tell you about the blonde student who went to take her exams, a series of yes/no questions. No? Well, she took her seat in the examination hall and when told to start she sat and studied her paper for about five minutes. Then in a fit of desperation she took out her purse and rummaged about for a coin. This he flipped up in the air and when she caught it she marked off one of her questions. Heads for yes, tails for no. Within half an hour she had completed the test and the rest of the class were still sweating it out.

During the last few minutes she was seen furiously tossing the coin and ticking off the answers, muttering and sweating. The moderator was quite puzzled. He walked up to her desk and asked what was going on.
She looked up at him and said, "Well I finished the exam over half an hour a go, now I'm checking my answers."

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Re: Let me tell you a story.....

Postby daffyd » Wed Oct 17, 2012 7:17 pm

Trip to the Pub.

It was a fine warm day so I thought I'd have a walk out, get some fresh air, meet some of the lads and have a bit of a chat......................well you do don't you? Get out of the way of 'her indoors' she was having one of her clearing out sessions.......

I was talking to my old mate Ben Doon the other day and he was telling me that he had heard from Ophelia Bottom that a man spends the first half of his life learning habits that shorten the other half of his life. Ben was after borrowing a couple of quid, so I gently reminded him that before borrowing money from a friend, first decide which you need most. He thought a while and said, "Well are you going to lend it to me or not!"

Ivor Hernia came by and I said to Ben "Go and ask him!" Ivor upon hearing Ben's request said, " Ben me ole darling " he always talked like that, "Ben" he said, "The most comfortable place to live is just inside your income." Perplexed Ben just stood there with his mouth open and his hand out. Eli Doon, Ben's brother, saw him standing there and took him home.
I ambled on and called in to the pub, 'The Gay Wrights' it was run by Phyliss Apint, a genial landlady, had a hip replacement recently. She glanced up and reached over to the pump and drew me off a frothy pint.

"The usual?" she enquired. "No." I said, "I just have a packet of pork scrathings." She looked at me, looked at the pint and then sank it in one huge swallow. "One swallow does not a summer make." I ventured. "Shut it" she said. I thought I had better try a new tack, conversation wise...

"Er, I heard that they are asking the gnomes of Zurich to run the National Health." Ivan Itch was standing at the bar, staring at my pork scratchings, I said "Keep your eyes off my scratchings, you need to get into shape my lad." He tore his gaze away as I upended the packet and the last of the scratchings into my mouth. " I am in shape," he said, "round is a shape."
"Ivan" I said "the only way you will lose weight.... is to keep your mouth shut." Phyliss came over, "Are you having a drink, or what?" I said, "Everyone should believe in something. I believe I'll have that drink."

You see my only consistency is my inconsistency. Horace Cope piped up, "Just the one then is it?" " I'll stay for another if you are buying Horace," I said. Reggie Ment used to drill it into me, "Drink sensibly.... be around for the next round."

Well I was, and I was and I was...... until I found I was in a heated discussion with Stan Bye and Mark Mywords. I remember saying, "I don't have an attitude problem, perhaps you have a perception problem...... " That's when it sort of went black and then there was a series of exploding lights and then nothingness........
Flo Swiftly was the ward nurse and she told me..............
Ah, but that's another story.



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Re: Let me tell you a story.....

Postby daffyd » Thu Oct 18, 2012 2:27 pm

Whilst milling around after the morning service on a Sunday one can be treated to some interesting conversations.....

Holy Humour

A father was approached by his small son who told him proudly, "I know what the Bible means!"
His father smiled and replied, "What do you mean, you 'know' what the Bible means?
The son replied, "I do know!"
"Okay," said his father. "What does the Bible mean?"
"That's easy, Daddy..." the young boy replied excitedly, “It stands for 'Basic Information Before Leaving Earth.'" (This one is my favorite.)

=======
There was a very gracious lady who was mailing an old family Bible to her brother in another part of the country.
"Is there anything breakable in here?" asked the postal clerk.
"Only the Ten Commandments." answered the lady.

========
"Somebody has said there are only two kinds of people in the world. There are those who wake up in the morning and say, "Good morning, Lord," and there are those who wake up in the morning and say, "Good Lord, its morning."

========
A minister parked his car in a no-parking zone in a large city because he was short of time and couldn't find a space with a meter.
Then he put a note under the windshield wiper that read: "I have circled the block 10 times. If I don't park here, I'll miss my appointment. Forgive us our trespasses."
When he returned, he found a citation from a police officer along with this note "I've circled this block for 10 years. If I don't give you a ticket I'll lose my job. Lead us not into temptation."

========
There is the story of a pastor who got up one Sunday and announced to his congregation: "I have good news and bad news. The good news is, we have enough money to pay for our new gym - fellowship hall building program. The bad news is, it's still out there in your pockets."

========
A minister waited in line to have his car filled with gas just before a long holiday weekend. The attendant worked quickly but there were many cars ahead of him. Finally the attendant motioned him toward a vacant pump.
"Reverend," said the young man, "I'm so sorry about the delay. It seems as if everyone waits until the last minute to get ready for a long trip."
The minister chuckled, "I know what you mean. It's the same in my business."



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Re: Let me tell you a story.....

Postby daffyd » Wed Nov 14, 2012 8:21 pm

Priorities.....

A couple was Christmas shopping at the mall on Christmas Eve and the
mall was packed.
As the wife walked through the mall she was surprised to look up and see
her husband was nowhere around. She was quite upset because they had a
lot to do.

Because she was so worried, she called him on her mobile phone to ask
him where he was.

In a calm voice, the husband said, "Honey, you remember the jewelry
store we went into about 5 years ago where you fell in love with that
diamond necklace that we could not afford and I told you that I would
get it for you one day?"

The wife choked up and started to cry and said, "Yes, I remember that
jewelry store."

He said, "Well, I'm in the bar right next to it."



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Re: Let me tell you a story.....

Postby Penny » Fri Nov 16, 2012 6:56 pm

Best laugh this week, cheers Penny
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