Let me tell you a story.....

Jokes and funny stories

Re: Let me tell you a story.....

Postby daffyd » Fri Aug 16, 2013 3:40 pm

ROSES & HANGING BASKETS

A teenage granddaughter
comes downstairs for her date
with this see-through blouse on and no bra.
Her grandmother just pitched a fit,
telling her not to dare go out like that!
The teenager tells her
'Loosen up Grams.
These are modern times.
You gotta let your rose buds show!'
and out she goes.
The next day the teenager comes down stairs,
and the grandmother is sitting there with no top on.
The teenager wants to die.
She explains to her grandmother
that she has friends coming over
and that it is just not appropriate..
The grandmother says,
'Loosen up,
Sweetie.
If you can show off your rose buds,
then I can display my hanging baskets.
My inferiority complex is not as good as yours.
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Re: Let me tell you a story.....

Postby daffyd » Sat Aug 17, 2013 8:24 pm

A man goes into the doctors feeling a little ill.

The doctor checks him over and says, 'Sorry, I have some bad news, you have Yellow 24, a really nasty virus.

It's called Yellow 24 because it turns your blood yellow and you usually only have 24 hours to live.

There's no known cure so just go home and enjoy your final precious moments on earth..'

So he trudges home to his wife and breaks the news.

Distraught, she asks him to go to the bingo with her that evening as he's never been there with her before.

They arrive at the bingo and with his first card he gets four corners and wins £35.

Then, with the same card, he gets a line and wins £320

Then he gets the full house and wins £1000.

Then the National Game comes up and he wins that too getting £380,000.

The bingo caller gets him up on stage and says,
'Son, I've been here 20 years and I've never seen anyone win four corners, a line, the full-house and the national game on the same card.

You must be the luckiest man on Earth!'

'Lucky?' he screamed. 'Lucky? I'll have you know I've got Yellow 24 ..'

'Bugger me,' says the bingo caller. 'You've won the raffle as well !!
My inferiority complex is not as good as yours.
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Re: Let me tell you a story.....

Postby dita » Mon Aug 19, 2013 12:59 pm

Its the way you tell em! xx
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Re: Let me tell you a story.....

Postby daffyd » Wed Aug 28, 2013 8:31 pm

Now this here story is about a guy named Leviticus! Yep ! that's the guy, y'all heard o' him, of course!
Dr. Laura made some reference to him on her radio show, Dr. Laura said that, as an observant Orthodox Jew, homosexuality is an abomination according to Leviticus 18:22, and cannot be condoned under any circumstance.
The following response is an open letter to Dr. Schlesinger, written by a US man, and allegedly posted on the Internet. It's funny, as well as quite informative:

Dear Dr. Laura:

Thank you for doing so much to educate people regarding God's Law. I have learned a great deal from your show, and try to share that knowledge with as many people as I can. When someone tries to defend the homosexual lifestyle, for example, I simply remind them that Leviticus 18:22 clearly states it to be an abomination. End of debate. I do need some advice from you, however, regarding some other elements of God's Laws and how to follow them.

1. Leviticus 25:44 states that I may possess slaves, both male and female, provided they are purchased from neighboring nations. A friend of mine claims that this applies to Mexicans, but not Canadians. Can you clarify? Why can't I own Canadians?

2. I would like to sell my daughter into slavery, as sanctioned in Exodus 21:7. In this day and age, what do you think would be a fair price for her?

3. I know that I am allowed no contact with a woman while she is in her period of menstrual uncleanliness - Lev.15: 19-24. The problem is, how do I tell? I have tried asking, but most women take offense.

4. When I burn a bull on the altar as a sacrifice, I know it creates a pleasing odor for the Lord - Lev.1:9. The problem is my neighbors. They claim the odor is not pleasing to them. Should I smite them?

5. I have a neighbor who insists on working on the Sabbath. Exodus 35:2 clearly states he should be put to death. Am I morally obligated to kill him myself, or should I ask the police to do it?

6. A friend of mine feels that even though eating shellfish is an abomination, Lev. 11:10, it is a lesser abomination than homosexuality. I don't agree. Can you settle this? Are there 'degrees' of abomination?

7. Lev. 21:20 states that I may not approach the altar of God if I have a defect in my sight. I have to admit that I wear reading glasses. Does my vision have to be 20/20, or is there some wiggle-room here?

8. Most of my male friends get their hair trimmed, including the hair around their temples, even though this is expressly forbidden by Lev. 19:27. How should they die?

9. I know from Lev. 11:6-8 that touching the skin of a dead pig makes me unclean, but may I still play football if I wear gloves?

10. My uncle has a farm. He violates Lev.19:19 by planting two different crops in the same field, as does his wife by wearing garments made of two different kinds of thread (cotton/polyester blend). He also tends to curse and blaspheme a lot. Is it really necessary that we go to all the trouble of getting the whole town together to stone them? Lev.24:10-16. Couldn't we just burn them to death at a private family affair, like we do with people who sleep with their in-laws? (Lev. 20:14)

I know you have studied these things extensively and thus enjoy considerable expertise in such matters, so I'm confident you can help.

Thank you again for reminding us that God's word is eternal and unchanging.

Your adoring fan,

James M. Kauffman,

Ed.D. Professor Emeritus,

Dept. Of Curriculum, Instruction, and Special Education University of Virginia

P.S. (It would be a damn shame if we couldn't own a Canadian.)
PPS (Do you reckon that Leviticus was aware of the, 'love thy neighbour' bits in the gospels?)
My inferiority complex is not as good as yours.
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Re: Let me tell you a story.....

Postby daffyd » Thu Aug 29, 2013 3:28 pm

BEEP! BEEP! BEEP!

I defy anyone not to laugh at this! ( except the large lady ?)

A mother took her five-year-old son with her to the bank on a busy lunchtime.

They got behind a very fat woman wearing a business suit complete with pager.

After waiting patiently for a few minutes, the little boy said loudly,

"Wow, She's fat!”

The mother bent down and whispered in the little boy's ear to be quiet.

A couple more minutes passed by and the little boy stretched his arms out as far as
they would go and announced; "I'll bet her bum is this wide!"

The fat woman turned around and glared at the little boy.

The mother gave him a good telling off, and told him to be quiet.

After a brief lull, the large woman reached the front of the queue.

Just then her pager began to emit a "beep, beep, beep"

The little boy yelled out, "Run for your b****y life, she's reversing!!"
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Re: Let me tell you a story.....

Postby daffyd » Thu Aug 29, 2013 3:41 pm

The wit of the Scots


A Greek and a Scotsman were sitting in a Starbucks cafe discussing who had the superior culture.
Over triple lattes the Greek guy says, "Well we Greeks built the Parthenon" and arched his eyebrows.
The Scotsman replies, "Well ... it was the Scots that discovered the Summer and Winter Solstices."
The Greek retorts, "We Greeks gave birth to advanced mathematics."
The Scotsman, nodding in agreement says, "Scots were the ones who built the first timepieces and calendars."
And so on until the Greek comes up with what he thinks will end the discussion. With a flourish of finality he says,
"The Greeks were the ones who invented sex!"
The Scotsman replies,
"Aye, that is true, but it was we Scots who introduced it to the women!"
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Re: Let me tell you a story.....

Postby daffyd » Mon Sep 02, 2013 3:51 pm

Two 80 year old men, Mike and Joe, have been friends all of their lives.

When it's clear that Joe is dying, Mike visits him every day. One day Mike says, "Joe, we both loved football all our lives, and we played football on Sundays together for so many years. Please do me one favour, when you get to Heaven, somehow you must let me know if there's football there."

Joe looks up at Mike from his death bed," Mike, you've been my best friend for many years. If it's at all possible, I'll do this favour for you.

Shortly after that, Joe passes on.

At midnight a couple of nights later, Mike is awakened from a sound sleep by a blinding flash of white light and a voice calling out to him, "Mike--Mike."

"Who is it? Asks Mike sitting up suddenly. "Who is it?"

"Mike--it's me, Joe."

"You're not Joe. Joe just died."

"I'm telling you, it's me, Joe," insists the voice."

"Joe! Where are you?"

"In heaven", replies Joe.. "I have some really good news and a little bad news."

"Tell me the good news first ," says Mike.

"The good news," Joe says," is that there's football in heaven. Better yet, all of our old friends who died before us are here, too. Better than that, we're all young again. Better still, it's always spring time and it never rains or snows. And best of all, we can play football all we want, and we never get tired."

That's fantastic," says Mike. "It's beyond my wildest dreams! So what's the bad news?

"You're in the team for this Saturday."
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Re: Let me tell you a story.....

Postby daffyd » Wed Sep 11, 2013 2:36 pm

A man was being tailgated by a stressed out woman on a busy boulevard. Suddenly,
the light turned yellow, just in front of him. He did the right thing, stopping
at the crosswalk, even though he could have beaten the red light by accelerating
through the intersection.
The tailgating woman was furious and honked her horn, screaming in frustration as
she missed her chance to get through the intersection, dropping her cell phone and
makeup.
As she was still in mid-rant, she heard a tap on her window and looked up into the
face of a very serious police officer. The officer ordered her to exit her car with
her hands up.
He took her to the police station where she was searched, finger printed, photographed,
and placed in a holding cell. After a couple of hours, a policeman approached the
cell and opened the door. She was escorted back to the booking desk where the arresting
officer was waiting with her personal effects.
He said, 'I'm very sorry for this mistake. You see, I pulled up behind your car
while you were blowing your horn, flipping off the guy in front of you, and cussing
a blue streak at him. I noticed the 'What Would Jesus Do' bumper sticker, the 'Choose
Life' License plate holder, the 'Follow Me to Sunday-School' bumper Sticker, and
the chrome-plated
Christian fish emblem on the trunk.
Naturally... I assumed you had stolen the car...........

:sunglasses:
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Re: Let me tell you a story.....

Postby Penny » Wed Sep 11, 2013 2:52 pm

excellent, cheers Penny
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Re: Let me tell you a story.....

Postby daffyd » Mon Oct 14, 2013 7:13 pm

An Irish Miracle

Murphy drops some buttered toast on the kitchen floor. It lands butter-side-up. He looks at what he has done in astonishment, for he knows it’s a law of nature That buttered toast always falls butter-down.


He rushes round to the presbytery to fetch the priest. He tells the priest that he thinks a miracle has happened round at his flat.
He won’t say what it is but wants Fr Flannagan to see it with his own eyes. He brings Fr Flannagan into the kitchen and asks him what he sees on the floor.

“Well,” says the priest, “it’s pretty obvious what we have here. Someone dropped some buttered toast, and then for some reason flipped it over so that the butter was on top.”

“No, Father, I dropped it and it landed like that.”

“Well,” Fr Flannagan says, “it’s certainly a natural law of the universe that dropped toast never falls butter side up. But it’s not for me to say it’s a miracle. I’ll report the matter to the bishop, and have him send people round, to interview you, take photos, etc.”

An investigation of some rigour is conducted, not only by priests of the archdiocese, but by scientists sent from the Curia in Rome.

The final ruling is a negative, however. it reads:

"It was certainly an extraordinary event that occurred in Murphy’s room, quite outside the normal run of the phenomena.
Yet we have to be very cautious before ruling any happening miraculous, ruling out all possible natural explanations.

In this case we have declared no miracle as it possibly resulted from Murphy's having buttered the toast on the wrong side."



:exactly: ......... :mrgreen:
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Re: Let me tell you a story.....

Postby dita » Sat Oct 19, 2013 2:13 pm

:roflmao: :roflmao: :roflmao:
I really must stop hubby from doing that.
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