Let me tell you a story.....

Jokes and funny stories

Re: Let me tell you a story.....

Postby daffyd » Thu Feb 14, 2013 12:14 pm

Let me tell you an Irish story.... well one or two stories.....

Bloke at a horse race whispers to Paddy next to him, "do you want the winner of the next race?"
Paddy replies "no tanks, I couldn't afford to feed it."

Paddy and Mick found 3 hand grenades and decided to take them to the police station.
Mick "What if one explodes before we get there?"
Paddy: "We'll lie and say we only found two!"

A coach load of paddies on a mystery tour decided to run a sweepstake to guess where they were going.....
The driver won £52!

Paddy's racing snail is not winning races anymore. So he decided to take it's shell off to reduce it's weight and make him more aerodynamic. It didn't work, if anything it made him more sluggish.

Paddy finds a sandwich with two wires sticking out of it. He phones the police and says "Bejesas I've just found a sandwich dat looks like a bomb."
The operator asks, "is it tickin?, Paddy says "No I tink it's beef"

Joe says to Paddy: "Close your curtains the next time you're making love to your wife. The whole street was watching and laughing at you yesterday."
Paddy says: "Well the joke's on them stupid because I wasn't even at home yesterday."

Mick walks into Paddy's barn and catches him dancing naked in front of a tractor. Mick says, "Oh, no, Paddy, what ya doing?"
Paddy says, "Well me and Mary haven't been getting on in the bedroom lately & the therapist recommended I do something sexy to a tractor." (pause...??? Think about it)

The Irish have solved their own fuel problems. They imported 50 million tons of sand from the Arabs and they're going to drill for their own oil.

Paddy says to Mick - I'm ready for a holiday, only this year I'm going to do it a bit different. 3 years ago I went to Spain and Mary got pregnant. 2 years ago I went to Italy and Mary got pregnant. Last year I went to Majorca and Mary got pregnant."
Mick asks - So what are you going to do this year?."
Paddy replies, - I'll take her with me!"

Paddy says to Mick, "Christmas is on a Friday this year"
Mick says "Let's hope it's not the 13th."

Paddy's in the bathroom and Murphy shouts to him. "Did you find the shampoo?"
Paddy says, "Yes but it's for dry hair and I've just wet mine."



:groaner:
My inferiority complex is not as good as yours.
User avatar
daffyd
 
Posts: 281
Joined: Sun Mar 18, 2012 7:55 pm

Re: Let me tell you a story.....

Postby dita » Thu Feb 14, 2013 3:51 pm

I like the one about the snail best. :)
User avatar
dita
 
Posts: 9606
Joined: Sun Jul 31, 2005 6:21 pm
Location: Lincolnshire

Re: Let me tell you a story.....

Postby daffyd » Mon Feb 18, 2013 8:21 pm

Well it is not really a story.....just a few observations I've made whilst eavesdropping......

·I tried to catch some fog the other morning...... I mist. My neighbour is addicted to brake fluid.
He says he can stop any time. He's Jewish you know, I asked him how he makes his tea. He said, Hebrews it!
The sun comes up, the sun goes down, I was puzzled soI stayed up all night to see where the sun went.
Then it dawned on me.
This girl said she recognized me from the vegetarian club, but I'd never met herbivore. I usually spend a bit of my time in the local library. I'm currently reading a book about anti-gravity. I can't put it down.
I also like to go to the theatre, recently I was thrilled by a performance about puns. It was a play on words.
The Blood Transfusion Centre were calling for volunteers. They told me I had type A blood, but it was a type-O.
This guy told me he was dyslexic and I watched him walk straight into a bra.

We all like a laugh, but PMS jokes aren't funny, period.
I couldn't get a table at my local restaurant, but a party of Indians were ushered right in. Fuming, I asked why and was told
they had reservations. I asked what was the dish of the day. I was told venison.....oh deer!
Speaking of food, what does a clock do when it's hungry? It goes back four seconds....goes back four seconds...er...never mind! I wondered why the baseball was getting bigger..... then it hit me! ( a bit like that last observation)
There was a scuffle on the sidewalk and the police arrested the Energizer bunny.....charged it with battery!
One of the arresting officers had a beard, he said he didn't like it at first, but then it grew on him!
I used to be a banker....but gave it up....I lost interest! Now of course I'm too old as well as having a spot of bladder infection, when that happens urine trouble!

I know I can go on a bit I'm just a dinosaur with an extensive vocabulary.....a thesaurus? I used to think I was indecisive, but now I'm not sure. I got a part time job in a bakery because I kneaded dough, but the wages were like Velcro.... what a rip off! Telling stories on here is akin to broken pencils......pointless!




:sunglasses:
My inferiority complex is not as good as yours.
User avatar
daffyd
 
Posts: 281
Joined: Sun Mar 18, 2012 7:55 pm

Re: Let me tell you a story.....

Postby Penny » Tue Feb 19, 2013 6:02 pm

Brilliant, cheersPenny
Penny
 
Posts: 17223
Joined: Sun May 22, 2005 12:24 pm
Location: Bucks

Re: Let me tell you a story.....

Postby daffyd » Thu Feb 28, 2013 7:58 pm

Once upon a time there was this Chinese entrepreneur....... who sold.....

Black bras, size 38

A Chinese guy goes into a Jewish-owned establishment to buy black bras, size 38.

The Jewish store keeper, known for his skills as a businessman, says that black bras are rare and that he is finding it very difficult to buy them from his suppliers. Therefore he has to charge $50.00 for them.

The Chinese guy buys 25 pairs.

He returns a few days later and this time orders fifty.

The Jewish owner tells him that they have become even harder to get and charges him $60.00 each.

The Chinese guy returns a month later and buys the store's remaining stock of 50, and this time for $75.00 each.

The Jewish owner is somewhat puzzled by the large demand for black size 38 bras and asks the Chinese guy, "...please tell me - What do you do with all these black bras?"

The Chinese guy answers: "I cut them in half and sell them as skull caps to you Jews for $200.00 each."
My inferiority complex is not as good as yours.
User avatar
daffyd
 
Posts: 281
Joined: Sun Mar 18, 2012 7:55 pm

Re: Let me tell you a story.....

Postby daffyd » Thu Feb 28, 2013 8:17 pm

Cat Lover or Not, this is funny !



We've all had trouble with our animals, but I don't think anyone can top this one:

Calling in sick to work makes me uncomfortable.
No matter how legitimate my excuse, I always get the feeling that my boss thinks I'm lying.

On one recent occasion, I had a valid reason but lied anyway, because the truth was just too darned humiliating. I simply mentioned that I had sustained a head injury, and I hoped I would feel up to coming in the next day. By then, I reasoned, I could think up a doozy to explain the bandage on the top of my head. The accident occurred mainly because I had given in to my wife's wishes to adopt a cute little kitty.

Initially, the new acquisition was no problem.

Then one morning, I was taking my shower after breakfast when I heard my wife, Deb, call out to me from the kitchen.
'Honey! The garbage disposal is dead again. Please come reset it.'
'You know where the button is,' I protested through the shower pitter-patter and steam. 'Reset it yourself!'
'But I'm scared!' she persisted. 'What if it starts going and sucks me in?'
There was a meaningful pause and then, 'C'mon, it'll only take you a second.'

So out I came, dripping wet and butt naked, hoping that my silent outraged nudity would make a statement about how I perceived her behavior as extremely cowardly.
Sighing loudly, I squatted down and stuck my head under the sink to find the button. It is the last action I remember performing.

It struck without warning, and without any respect to my circumstances. No, it wasn't the hexed disposal, drawing me into its gnashing metal teeth. It was our new kitty, who discovered the fascinating dangling objects she spied hanging between my legs. She had been poised around the corner and stalked me as I reached under the sink. And, at the precise moment when I was most vulnerable, she leapt at the toys I unwittingly offered and snagged them with her needle-like claws. I lost all rational thought to control orderly bodily movements, blindly rising at a violent rate of speed, with the full weight of a kitten hanging from my masculine region.

Wild animals are sometimes faced with a 'fight or flight' syndrome. Men, in this predicament, choose only the 'flight' option. I know this from experience. I was fleeing straight up into the air when the sink and cabinet bluntly and forcefully impeded my ascent.
The impact knocked me out cold.
When I awoke, my wife and the paramedics stood over me.

Now there are not many things in this life worse than finding oneself lying on the kitchen floor butt naked in front of a group of 'been-there, done-that' paramedics.
Even worse, having been fully briefed by my wife, the paramedics were all snorting loudly as they tried to conduct their work, all the while trying to suppress their hysterical laughter......and not succeeding.

Somehow I lived through it all. A few days later I finally made it back in to the office, where colleagues tried to coax an explanation out of me about my head injury. I kept silent, claiming it was too painful to talk about, which it was.

'What's the matter?' They all asked, 'Cat got your tongue?'
My inferiority complex is not as good as yours.
User avatar
daffyd
 
Posts: 281
Joined: Sun Mar 18, 2012 7:55 pm

Re: Let me tell you a story.....

Postby Penny » Mon Mar 04, 2013 4:39 pm

Just re-read this, think is brilliant. Am posting it to hubby. cheers Penny
Penny
 
Posts: 17223
Joined: Sun May 22, 2005 12:24 pm
Location: Bucks

Re: Let me tell you a story.....

Postby daffyd » Wed Mar 13, 2013 8:55 pm

Well now as you know we are approaching St. Patrick's Day and it is a time for telling stories......

Did yer hear about Paddy O'Rouke? Well he took two stuffed dogs to the Antiques Road show and an expert there looked them over. He concluded that there were of a very rare breed, the breed itself having died out in 1765. The expert was expected to give a valuation of this rare breed, so he turned to Paddy and said, 'If these dogs were alive today what would you expect them to fetch?
'
:roflmao: :roflmao: :roflmao: :roflmao: :roflmao: :roflmao: :roflmao:


Yer man said. 'STICKS'



:mrgreen:
My inferiority complex is not as good as yours.
User avatar
daffyd
 
Posts: 281
Joined: Sun Mar 18, 2012 7:55 pm

Re: Let me tell you a story.....

Postby Penny » Sun Mar 17, 2013 2:52 pm

I do not believe it. cheers Penny
Penny
 
Posts: 17223
Joined: Sun May 22, 2005 12:24 pm
Location: Bucks

Re: Let me tell you a story.....

Postby daffyd » Wed Apr 03, 2013 6:54 pm

..............about an unfair dismissal....

An Emergency Call Centre worker in London has been dismissed from her job, much to the dismay of colleagues who are reportedly unhappy with her treatment.

It seems a male caller dialled 999 from a mobile phone stating, "I am depressed and lying here on a railway track. I am waiting for the train to come so I can finally meet Allah."

Apparently "remain calm and stay on the line" was not considered to be an appropriate or correct response...


Wot do you fink?


:dunno:
My inferiority complex is not as good as yours.
User avatar
daffyd
 
Posts: 281
Joined: Sun Mar 18, 2012 7:55 pm

Re: Let me tell you a story.....

Postby daffyd » Wed Apr 17, 2013 8:25 pm

..........back in the day I remember when we were treated to REAL TELEVISION....

Think you may need a kleenex for this, my eyes are still watering. (Laughter)

http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=VLg-DB-q65k
My inferiority complex is not as good as yours.
User avatar
daffyd
 
Posts: 281
Joined: Sun Mar 18, 2012 7:55 pm

Re: Let me tell you a story.....

Postby daffyd » Fri Apr 19, 2013 12:13 pm

A little boy was walking down a dirt road after church one Sunday afternoon when he came to a crossroads where he met a little girl coming from the other direction.


'Hi,' replied the little girl.

'Where are you going?' asked the little boy.

'I've been to church this morning and I'm on my way home,' answered the little girl.

'I'm also on my way home from church. Which church do you go to?' asked the little boy.

'I go to the Catholic church back down the road,' replied the little girl.

'What about you?


''I go to the Lutheran church back at the top of the hill,' replied the little boy.


They discover that they are both going the same way so they decided that they'd walk together.

They came to a low spot in the road where spring rains had partially flooded the road, so there was no way that they could get across to the other side without getting wet.

'If I get my new Sunday dress wet, my Mom's going to skin me alive,' said the little girl.'

My Mom'll tan my hide, too, if I get my new Sunday suit wet,' replied the little boy.

'I'll tell you what I think I'll do,' said the little girl.

'I'm gonna pull off all my clothes and hold them over my head and wade across.'

'That's a good idea,' replied the little boy. '

I'm going to do the same thing with my suit.'


So they both undressed and waded across to the otherside without getting their clothes wet.


They were standing there in the sun waiting to drip dry before putting their clothes back on, when the little boy finally remarked:

'You know, I never realized before just how much difference there really is between a CATHOLIC and a LUTHERAN!





:roll:
My inferiority complex is not as good as yours.
User avatar
daffyd
 
Posts: 281
Joined: Sun Mar 18, 2012 7:55 pm

Re: Let me tell you a story.....

Postby daffyd » Sat Apr 20, 2013 7:14 pm

........a teacher talking to her class.....

Teacher : What kind of wife would you like Johnny?
Johnny : I would want a wife like the moon...
Teacher : Wow !! What a choice...do you want her to be beautiful and calm like the moon?
Johnny : No, I want her to arrive at night and disappear in the morning...
Give that boy straight 'A' s
My inferiority complex is not as good as yours.
User avatar
daffyd
 
Posts: 281
Joined: Sun Mar 18, 2012 7:55 pm

Re: Let me tell you a story.....

Postby dita » Sun Apr 21, 2013 3:55 pm

:roflmao: :roflmao: :roflmao: Well! to the point.

Loved both those stories. Thanks Daffyd :grouphug:
User avatar
dita
 
Posts: 9606
Joined: Sun Jul 31, 2005 6:21 pm
Location: Lincolnshire

Re: Let me tell you a story.....

Postby daffyd » Sun Apr 21, 2013 7:43 pm

.......His Lordship was in the study at Downton Abbey when the butler approached and and coughed discreetly.
"May I ask you a question my Lord?"
"Go ahead Carson " said his Lordship.

"I am doing the crossword in The Times and I have found a word I am not too clear on"
"What word is that?" said his Lordship.
"Aplomb" my Lord.

"Now that's a difficult one to explain. I would say it is self assurance or complete composure"
"Thank you my Lord, but I'm still a little confused".

"Let me give you an example to make it clearer. Do you remember a few months ago the Duke and Duchess of Cambridge arrived to spend a weekend with us."
" I remember the occasion very well , my Lord. It gave the staff and myself much pleasure to look after them."
" Also", continued the Earl of Grantham, " do you remember Will plucked a rose for Kate in the rose garden? "
"I was present on that occasion, my Lord, ministering to their needs"
"While plucking the rose a thorn embedded itself in his thumb very deeply"
Carson replied, "I witnessed the incident my Lord and saw the Duchess herself remove the thorn and bandage his thumb with her own dainty handkerchief."

"That evening the prick on his thumb was so sore, Kate had to cut up his venison from our own estate even though it was extremely tender."
"Yes my Lord, I did see everything that transpired that evening."

"The next morning while you were pouring coffee for Her Ladyship, Kate enquired of Will with a loud voice," "Darling does your prick still throb?"
"You, Carson, did not spill one drop of coffee!

That is aplomb!"


I concluded that 'aplomb' is the ability to pour coffee whilst disregarding impure thoughts.



:roll:
My inferiority complex is not as good as yours.
User avatar
daffyd
 
Posts: 281
Joined: Sun Mar 18, 2012 7:55 pm

PreviousNext

Return to Humour

Who is online

Users browsing this forum: No registered users and 1 guest

cron