Let me tell you a story.....

Jokes and funny stories

Re: Let me tell you a story.....

Postby daffyd » Mon Apr 22, 2013 7:51 pm

We use these phrases every day, but in the main we have no idea of their origin. Perhaps if I tell you the story of their origin, you may find them amusing, educational....but most of all, .....interesting!

Going round the Bend

The Victorians built hospitals to house the mentally unsound. At the time, stately homes were builtwith long straight driveways so that the house could be seen in all its grandeur from the main road.Mental homes however, were placed at the end of long curved drives so that they would remainunseen by passers by.To 'go round the bend' has meant to be confined in a mental home ever since.

Pay Through the Nose

When the Vikings invaded ninth century Britain, they brought with them their violent customs and imposed strict tax laws on the locals. (Aye, and you thought it was a scheme thought up by our current Government) Attention now, any citizen refusing to pay would either have his nostrils slit open or his nose cut off. Only when English king Eldred beat Viking leader Eric Bloodaxe (it's true, that was his name) in 954 at the battle of Stainmore did the practice stop. However the phrase remained to imply paying dearly for something through the nose.

To The Bitter End...........................

This phrase has come to mean the end of one's endurance.The "bitt" is a post at a ship's prow to which the end of an anchor's cable is fastened. If all the anchor cable has been let out, you have come to the bitter end.

Flogging a Dead Horse

A ceremony held by British crews when they had been at sea four weeks and had worked off their initial advance, usually one month's wages (and usually long gone). The term 'flogging a dead horse' alludes to the difficulty of getting any extra work from a crew during this period, since, to them, it felt as though they were working for nothing.


It's Raining Cats and Dogs

Houses had thatched roofs, thick straw pilede high. It was the only place for animals to get warm,so all the pets, dogs, cats and other small aminals, mice rats, bugs, lived in the roof. When it rained, it became slippery and sometimes the animals would slip and fall off the roof.

Burning a Candle at Both Ends

Once upon a time the only light in a house was provided by the taper. This was kept alight usually on a holder beside the fire.. It provided a small amount of light. If a special vistors came and more light was demanded then the taper was lit both ends.

That's a Turn Up for the Book.

"Turn up for the book" is when no one has backed the winner and the bookmaker has a clear book.

The Full NineYards

“The Full NineYards” which I believe (despite all sorts of alternatives) is the length of the ammunition belt used in the standard ammunition container of the machine gun but I don’t know if it was the Vickers or the Maxim. Hence going ‘The Full Nine Yards” means emptying a whole belt of ammunition at a target – giving as much as you possibly could.

The Full Monty

A breakfast at The Dobbins Inn in Carrickfergus that simply must get a 5 star rating from ‘Exit’
comprising of anything that wandered through the kitchen whilst the cook had the frying pan on the hob, the origin is believed to be from Montague Burton, a British tailor, and refers to when a customer would buy himself a new outfit from head to toe including everything seen and unseen.

Cold enough to freeze the balls off a brass monkey

Every sailing ship had to have cannon for protection. Cannon of the times used round iron cannonballs. The master wanted to store the cannon balls such that they could be of instant use when needed, yet not roll around the gun deck. The solution was to stack them up in a square-based pyramid next to the cannon. The top level of the stack had one ball, the next level down had four, the next had nine, the next had sixteen, and so on. Four levels
would provide a stack of 30 cannonballs.

The only real problem was how to keep the bottom level from sliding out from under the weight of the higher levels. To do this, they devised a small brass plate ("brass monkey") with one rounded indentation for each cannonball in the bottom layer. Brass was used because the cannonballs wouldn't rust to the "brass monkey", but would have rusted to an iron one.

When temperature falls, brass contracts in size faster than iron. As it got cold on the gundecks, the indentations in the brass monkey would get smaller than the iron cannonballs they were holding. If the temperature got cold enough, the bottom layer would pop out of the
indentations spilling the entire pyramid over the deck. Thus it was, quite literally, "cold enough to freeze the balls off a brass monkey."

The Clink

This word for a prison referes not to the sound of rattling chains, but to the name of a prison in an area of 13th century London known as, The Liberty of Clink.

Just south of the Thames, the prison lay outside London jurisdiction and so was notorious for brutal punishment ( unlike the namby-pamby sentences of today) Owned by the Bishop of Winchester ( note how the clergy are in there earning a fast buck) inmates at The Clink could expect to be burned with boiling oil, forced to stand in cold water until their feet rotted, or crushed under weights. ( Such was the quality of mercy shown by the religious bodies of the time.)

Payment to the church coffers could free you however, so those rich enough to buy favour
made the bishop rich, that is until rioters destroyed the prison in 1780. (Come to think of it, if it was financially rewarding to surpress the masses, the Church always led the way. )

Keep your nose to the grindstone

Concentrate on working hard. In Victorian England, there were many knife grinder's workshops. Workers lay flat on their fronts and held the blades against grindstones.

Keep your pecker up

Remain cheerful. This is the English pecker, i.e. mouth, as opposed to the American, i.e. penis.

Keep your powder dry

Be prepared. The allusion is to gunpowder which soldiers had to keep dry in order to be ready to fight when required.

Kick the bucket

Die. The wooden frame that slaughtered animals were hung from is known as a bucket.
The death spasms of the animals caused them to kick the bucket.

Know the ropes

To understand how an organisation works. Nautical origin, where sailors had to learn which rope raised which sail.

Interesting....innit?


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Re: Let me tell you a story.....

Postby daffyd » Sat Apr 27, 2013 7:46 pm

WISE WORDS FROM FATHER TO DAUGHTER

A young woman was about to finish her first year of university. Like
so many others her age, she considered herself to be Labor Party
minded, and she was very much in favour of higher taxes to support
her education and for more government programs in other words,
the redistribution of wealth. (Much like a Carbon Tax?)

She was deeply ashamed that her father was a rather staunch
blue-ribbon Liberal, a feeling she openly expressed. Based on
the lectures that she had attended and the occasional chat with a
professor, she felt that her father had for years harboured a selfish
desire to keep what he thought should be his.

One day she was challenging her father on his opposition to higher
taxes on the rich and the need for more government programs.

The self-professed objectivity proclaimed by her professors must be
the truth, and she indicated so to her father. He responded by asking
how she was doing at university.

Taken aback, she answered rather haughtily that she had a 90% average, and let him know that it was tough to maintain, insisting that she was taking a very difficult course load and was constantly studying, which left her no time to go out and party like other people she knew. She didn't even have time for a boyfriend, and didn't really have many university friends because she spent all her time studying.

Her father listened and then asked, How is your best friend Audrey doing? She replied, Audrey is barely getting by. All she takes are easy classes, she never studies and she barely has a 50% average. She is so popular on campus; university for her is a blast. She's always invited to all the parties, and lots of times she doesn't even show up for classes because she's too hung over.

Her wise father asked his daughter, Why don't you go to the Dean's office and ask him to deduct 20% off your average and give it to your friend who only has 50%. That way you will both have a 70% average, it would be fair and you would both be equal.

The daughter, visibly shocked by her father's suggestion, angrily fired back, That's a crazy idea; how would that be fair! I've worked really hard for my grades! I've invested a lot of time, and a lot of hard work! Audrey has done next to nothing toward her degree. She played while I worked my tail off!

The father slowly smiled, winked and said gently, Welcome to the
Liberal side of the fence.

If anyone has a better explanation of the difference between Liberal and Labor/Greens, I'm all ears.

If you ever wondered what side of the fence you sit on, this is a great test!

If a Liberal supporter doesn't like guns, he doesn't buy one.
If a Labor/Green doesn't like guns, they want all guns outlawed.

If a Liberal is a vegetarian, he doesn't eat meat.
If a Labor/Green is a vegetarian, he wants all meat products banned for everyone.

If a Liberal is gay, he quietly leads his life.
If a Labor/Green is gay, he demands legislated respect.

If a Conservative is down-and-out, he thinks about how to better his situation.
A Labor/Green wonders who is going to take care of him.

If a Conservative doesn't like a talk show host, he switches channels.
Labor/Greens demand that those they don't like should be banned.

If a Liberal is a non-believer, he doesn't go to church.
A Labor/Green non-believer wants any mention of God and religion silenced.

If a Liberal reads this, he'll forward it so his friends can have a good laugh.
A Labor/Green will delete it because he's "offended."


What political colour are you?



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Re: Let me tell you a story.....

Postby dita » Sun Apr 28, 2013 11:04 am

Oh! dear My Dad was a staunch Labour man. No comment :roflmao: :roflmao:
I'm not :rolleye11:
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Re: Let me tell you a story.....

Postby daffyd » Sun May 05, 2013 7:11 pm

.......no, not the three little pigs..... duh!

Three dead bodies turn up at the mortuary, all with very big smiles on
their faces. The coroner calls the police to tell them what has
happened.

Coroner tells the Inspector: "First body: A Frenchman, 72, died of
heart failure while with his mistress. Hence the enormous smile."

"Second body: "Irishman, 25, won a thousand dollars on the lottery,
spent it all on whisky. Died of alcohol poisoning, hence the smile."

The Inspector asked, "What of the third body?"

"Ah," says the coroner, "This is the most unusual one. Danny Earl, the
Redneck from Louisiana , 30, struck by lightning."

"Why is he smiling then?" inquires the Inspector.

"Thought he was having his picture taken."



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Re: Let me tell you a story.....

Postby Monsy » Mon May 06, 2013 11:27 am

I am purple!
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Re: Let me tell you a story.....

Postby dita » Mon May 06, 2013 6:23 pm

:roflmao: :roflmao: :roflmao: :clicker:
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Re: Let me tell you a story.....

Postby daffyd » Wed May 08, 2013 7:53 pm

:now:

Three aussie blokes :roflmao: :roflmao: :roflmao: working up on an outback :roflmao: :roflmao: mobile phone tower:

Mongrel, Coot and Bluey .
As they start their descent, Coot slips, falls off the tower and is killed instantly..
As the ambulance takes the body away,
Bluey says, 'Well, bugger me, someone's gotta go and tell Coot's wife.

Mongrel says, 'OK, I'm pretty good at that sensitive stuff, I'll do it.'
Two hours later, he comes back carrying a case of Beer.

Bluey says, 'Where'd you get the grog, Mongrel?'
'Coot's wife gave it to me,' Mongrel replies.

'That's unbelievable, you told the Missus her husband was dead and she gave you a case of beer?'

'Well, not exactly', Mongrel says.

'When she answered the door, I said to her, "you must be Coot's widow."

She said, 'You must be mistaken.. I'm not a widow.'

Then I said, 'I'll betcha a case of beer you are..'

Aussies are good at that sensitive stuff.



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Re: Let me tell you a story.....

Postby daffyd » Thu May 09, 2013 7:37 pm

Interviewers set out on their particular task with a set agenda. It is never thought through and this is the consequence......

DIALOGUE BETWEEN A LADY INTERVIEWER
AND A MALE BEER DRINKER:


Lady Interviewer: Do you drink every day?


Man: Yes.


Lady Interviewer: How much a day?


Man: Around 3 six-packs starting at noon.


Lady Interviewer: How much does a 6-pack cost?


Man: Roughly $10.00 at a deli.


Lady Interviewer: And how long have you been drinking like that?


Man: 15 years.


Lady Interviewer: So with a six-pack costing $10.00, and you consuming 3 six-packs a day, you are spending roughly $900 each month. In one year, you would then be spending $10,800, correct?


Man: Correct.


Lady Interviewer: If in 1 year you spend $10,800 on beer, not accounting for inflation, 15 years puts your spending roughly $162,000; correct?


Man: Correct.


Lady Interviewer: Did it ever occur to you that if you did not drink for the last 15 years, you could have bought a Ferrari?


Man: Do you drink?


Lady Interviewer: No.


Man: So where's your Ferrari?



WELL? Where is it?


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Re: Let me tell you a story.....

Postby daffyd » Sat May 11, 2013 3:07 pm

........this is a story about Martians.....Wall-Mart(ians) who came to Earth to live among us. They adapted (to a certain extent, but could not get the dress code quite right) They longed for a signature tune of their own, so a kind earthling obliged and wrote them this......

Headed for Number One On all the charts!!



The Wal-Mart Song

I suppose it was just a matter of time before this was all set to music.

SO, here it is! Turn Up The Volume!

Wal-mart has finally got a theme song, and it sure is a good one.


Click Here... http://tinyurl.com/cho64wx
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Re: Let me tell you a story.....

Postby dita » Sat May 11, 2013 4:30 pm

:) Love em! Thanks, needed :bighugs: :choklit: a laugh
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Re: Let me tell you a story.....

Postby daffyd » Thu May 30, 2013 6:53 pm

Irish Sawmill Accident




Paddy and Mick are two Irishmen working at the local sawmill.

One day, Mick slips and his arm gets caught and severed by the

big bench saw.

Paddy quickly puts the limb in a plastic bag and rushes it and Mick

to the local hospital.

Next day, Paddy goes to the hospital and asks after Mick.

The nurse says, "Oh he's out in Rehab exercising".

Paddy couldn't believe it, but there's Mick out the back exercising

his now re-attached arm.

The very next day he's back at work in the saw mill.

A couple of days go by, and then Mick slips and severs his leg

on another bloody big saw.

So Paddy puts the limb in a plastic bag and rushes it and Mick

off to Hospital.

Next day he calls in to see him and asks the nurse how he is.

The nurse replies, "He's out in the Rehab again exercising".

And sure enough, there's Mick out there doing some serious work

on the treadmill. And very soon Mick comes back to work.

But, as usual, within a couple of days he has another accident and

severs his head.

Wearily Paddy puts the head in a plastic bag and transports it

and Mick to hospital.

Next day he goes in and asks the nurse how Mick is.

The nurse breaks down and cries and says, "He's dead."

Paddy is shocked, but not surprised. "I suppose the saw finally did him in."

"No", says the nurse, "Some DOPEY RETARD put his head in a plastic bag and he suffocated".



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Re: Let me tell you a story.....

Postby daffyd » Thu Jun 13, 2013 7:11 pm

An Arab Sheik was admitted to Hospital for heart surgery, but prior to the surgery,
the doctors needed to store his blood in case the need arises.

As the gentleman had a rare type of blood, it couldn't be found locally, so, the call went out.
Finally a Scotsman was located who had a similar blood type. The Scot willingly donated his blood for the Arab.

After the surgery, the Arab sent the Scotsman as appreciation, a new BMW, diamonds & US dollars.
A couple of days later, once again, the Arab had to go through a corrective surgery.
His doctor telephoned the Scotsman who was more than happy to donate his blood again.
After the second surgery, the Arab sent the Scotsman a thank-you card and a box of Quality Street chocolates.

The Scotsman was shocked that the Arab did not reciprocate his kind gesture as he had anticipated.
He phoned the Arab and asked him: "I thought you would be generous again, that you would give me a BMW,
Diamonds & money, but you only gave me a thank-you card and a box of Quality Street chocolates."



To this the Arab replied: "Aye laddie, but I now have Scottish blood in ma veins".

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Re: Let me tell you a story.....

Postby daffyd » Mon Jun 17, 2013 11:14 am

A tough old cattleman from the Jindabyne counselled his granddaughter that if she wanted to live a long life, the secret was to sprinkle a pinch of gun powder on her oatmeal every morning.

The granddaughter did this religiously until the age of 103, when she died.

She left behind 14 children, 30 grandchildren, 45 great-grandchildren, 25 great-great-grandchildren, and a 40-foot hole where the crematorium used to be.
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Re: Let me tell you a story.....

Postby daffyd » Mon Jun 17, 2013 7:23 pm

Caught....Hook,line and s(t)inker.....

Never Lie To A Woman
A man called home to his wife and said, "Honey, I have been asked to go fishing up in Canada with my boss & several of his Friends. We'll be gone for a week. This is a good opportunity for me to get that promotion I've been wanting, so could you please pack enough clothes for a week and set out my rod and fishing box. We're leaving From the office & I will swing by the house to pick my things up"
"Oh! Please pack my new blue silk pyjamas. "

The wife thinks this sounds a bit fishy but being the good wife she is, did exactly what her husband asked.

The following weekend he came home a little tired but otherwise looking good.

The wife welcomed him home and asked if he caught many fish?

He said, "Yes, lots of Salmon, some Bluegill, and a few Swordfish. But why didn't you pack my new blue silk pyjamas like I asked you to?"

You'll love the answer...
.
.
.
.

The wife replied, "I did. They're in your fishing box ...."
Never Lie To A Woman...!!!
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Re: Let me tell you a story.....

Postby daffyd » Wed Jun 19, 2013 7:29 pm

It was my first time visiting Dr Putz for a
Colonoscopy
I went into his office for my first rectal exam.
His new blond nurse, Evelyn, took me to an examining room.
She told me to get undressed and have a seat until the doctor could see me. She said that he would only be a few minutes.

After putting on the gown that she gave me I sat down.
While waiting I observed there were three items on a stand next to the exam table:
A Tube of K-Y jelly,
A rubber glove
And a beer
.

When Dr. Putz finally came in I said,
"Look Doc", I'm a little confused
This is my first exam.
I know what the
K-Y
Is for,
And I know what the
Glove is for,
But can you tell me what the
BEER is for?"
At that, Doctor Putz became noticeably outraged and stormed over to the door.
He flung the door open and yelled to his new blonde nurse, "Damn it, Evelyn !!!
I said a
BUTT LIGHT!"


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