Things to ponder

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Re: Things to ponder

Postby daffyd » Tue Sep 18, 2012 8:09 pm

I'm in hot water again....... whilst I was pondering my wife asked "When I'm called to that big Bridge tournement in the sky, will you miss me?" An involuntary retort sprang to my lips and before I could repress it I said, "How can I miss you if you won't go away!"
One of my greatest fears is the act of stopping to think...... I might forget to start again.
Not all men are fools, some are batchelors.
Its not fair really, I spent my whole youth trying to obtain wealth, and now my wife spends my whole wealth trying to obtain youth!
The most labour saving device ever is a husband with money!
I don't mind getting into hot water from time to time it keeps me clean.
A favourite ponder of mine is, 'If at first yoou DO succeed, don't look astonished, flaunt it!'
A question, 'If ignorance is bliss, why aren't more people happy?'
Are you aware that medical insurance allows more people to be ill at ease?
Here is a tip, 'Never get into fights with ugly people, they have nothing to lose.
One should always get the facts first........ you can distort them later.
We are all born free.......... and taxed to death.......and beyond!

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Re: Things to ponder

Postby Penny » Wed Sep 19, 2012 5:45 pm

Brilliant, cheers Penny
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Re: Things to ponder

Postby daffyd » Wed Oct 17, 2012 7:44 pm

Tete-a-tete
It has been a while since we had a little chat. We have a lot to catch up on.
For instance..... Keeping in shape, you gotta keep in shape. My grandmother taught me that. Do you know she started walking five miles a day when she was sixty. She is ninety seven now and we don't know where the hell she is.

I was in a shop the other day and I overheard a sales lady saying, "Now I can only please one person a day and today is not your day. Tomorrow is not looking too good either." She then turned to her colleague and carried on with her conversation."As I was saying, men are like fine wine, they all start out as grapes and it is your job to stomp on them and keep them in the dark until they mature into something you would want to have with dinner. Men my dear, are like coffee. The best ones are rich, warm and keep you up all night. A lot of men these days are like lava lamps, they are amusing to watch, but not very bright."

Listen you guys if your wife was yelling and hammering at the front door and the dog was scratching and barking at the back door, who should you let in first?
The dog dummy, because once you let it in you know it will shut up.
I was telling a neighbour how I apprehended a burglar as he was trying to break into his house whilst he was on holiday. The burglar was half way through an enlarged cat-flap when I gave him a good hard kick up the a*** "Rectum, rectum!" said my neighbour. "Wrecked him? I varn nye killed him."
Do you know my neighbour is so stupid he couldn't pass a blood test. Why he even took a ruler to bed to see how long he slept. His wife is just as bad she put lipstick on her forehead, she was trying to make-up her mind. She is so ugly that they did not bother to give her a costume when she tried out as an extra for Star Wars. And old, why she is so old that when she went to school they did not have any History classes.

Do you guys know why women have smaller feet than men?
So that they can get closer to the stove.

Here is a tip for you young single guys, don't spend two pounds having your shirt dry cleaned. Donate it to the Salvation Army. They wash it, iron it, put it on a hanger and you can buy it back for 75 pence.

You know, I'm not a vegetarian because I love animals. I'm a vegetarian because I hate plants.
Now suppose you are an idiot, and suppose you are a Member of Parliament........... forgive me I repeat myself.

But enough about me........... how do you think our little tete - a - tete went..... you didn't have much to say....... cat got your tongue has it?


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Re: Things to ponder

Postby Penny » Fri Oct 19, 2012 5:42 pm

Brilliant, cheers Penny
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Re: Things to ponder

Postby daffyd » Fri Nov 23, 2012 7:50 pm

Just a few observations and an overheard remark.....

I start a new job in Seoul next week. I thought it was a good Korea move.

I was driving this morning when I saw an NRMA van parked. The driver was sobbing uncontrollably and looked very miserable. I thought to myself that guy's heading for a breakdown.

Statistically, 6 out of 7 dwarves are not Happy.

My neighbour knocked on my door at 2:30am this morning, can you believe that, 2:30am?! Luckily for him I was still up playing my Bagpipes.

Paddy says "Mick, I'm thinking of buying a Labrador" . "Bugger that" says Mick "have you seen how many of their owners go blind?"

My girlfriend thinks that I'm a stalker. Well, she's not exactly my girlfriend yet.

A wife says to her husband "You're always pushing me around and talking behind my back." He says "What do you expect? You're in a wheelchair."

I was explaining to my wife last night that when you die you get reincarnated but must come back as a different creature. She said I would like to come back as a cow. I said you're obviously not listening.

The wife has been missing a week now. Police said to prepare for the worst. So I have been to the charity shop to get all her clothes back.

Two Muslims have crashed a speedboat into the Thames barrier in London. Police think it might be the start of Ram-a-dam.

They've had to cancel the pantomine 'Jack & the Beanstalk' in Birmingham, Bristol, Oldham, Bradford, Burnley, Leicester, Luton and London : Apparently the giant couldn't smell any Englishmen.

The wife was counting all the 5 and 10 cents out on the kitchen table when she suddenly got very angry and started shouting and crying for no reason. I thought to myself, "She's going through the change."

When I was in the pub I heard a couple of plonkers saying that they wouldn't feel safe on an aircraft if they knew the pilot was a woman. What a pair of sexists. I mean, it's not as if she'd have to reverse the bloody thing!

Local Police hunting the 'knitting needle nutter', who has stabbed six people in the butt in the last 48 hours, believe the attacker could be following some kind of pattern.

Bought some 'rocket salad' yesterday but it went off before I could eat it!

Murphy says to Paddy "What ya talkin to an envelope for?", "I'm sending a voicemail ya thick Mick!"

Just got back from my mate's funeral. He died after being hit on the head with a tennis ball. It was a lovely service.

19 paddies go to the cinema, the ticket lady asks "Why so many of you?" Mick replies, "The film said 18 or over."

An Asian fellow has moved in next door. He has travelled the world, swum with sharks, wrestled bears and climbed the highest mountain. It came as no surprise to learn his name was Bindair Dundat.


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Re: Things to ponder

Postby daffyd » Mon Dec 17, 2012 8:21 pm

Mah Little Black Book


I have a list of folks I know, all written in a book.
And every year when Christmas comes, I go and take a look.
And that is when I realize that these names are a part,
Not of the book they're written in, but only in my heart.

For each name stands for SOMEONE,
Who has crossed my path sometime,
And in that meeting they've become the rhythm in each rhyme.
And while it sounds fantastic, for me to make this claim,
I really feel that I'm composed of each remembered name.

And while you may not be aware of any special "link",
Just meeting you has changed my life, a lot more than you think,
For once I've met somebody, the years cannot erase,
The memory of a pleasant word or of your friendly face.

So never think my Christmas cards are just a mere routine,
Of names upon a Christmas list, forgotten in between.
For when I send my Christmas card that is addressed to you,
It is because you're on my list, of folks I'm indebted to.

For I am but, the total of the many folks I've met,
And you happen to be, one of those, I prefer not to forget.
And whether I have known you, for many years or few,
In some way you have had a part in shaping things I do.

And every year when Christmas comes, I realize anew,
The best gifts life can offer, is meeting folks like you.
And may the spirit of Christmas, that forever endures,
Leave its richest blessing, in the hearts of you and yours.


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Re: Things to ponder

Postby daffyd » Fri Jan 04, 2013 7:57 pm

Aye as they say Time, marches on, and here we are looking at the beginning of a brand new year. Now ( confess it) we are, or have pondered just what this year will bring for us as individuals. We are pondering what this year will bring in the way of health, happiness, prosperity, peace. If you have never 'pondered' before you are certainly thinking about 'pondering' now!
So let us not be too heavy in our pondering, let us keep it light and cheerful......

Enjoy yourself before Father Time tarmacs over your sex drive.
Left over Christmas fare.... I did not fight my way to the top of the food chain to become a vegetarian...where's the turkey soup, the turkey curry, turkey 'burghers?
Hmm, is it easier to pass the buck, or carry the can?
I've concluded that everyone stops smoking...... eventually
I've also concluded that advice is the only free thing that one can give away, that nobody wants!
One should practice moderation in all things .......especially moderation.
An uplifting thought, when the soles of your shoes are worn out, you'll soon be back on your feet again!
There will be sadness and celebration this year.... Weddings to be arranged, but funerals are undertaken.
To offset the latter, learn the secret of long life...... keep breathing!
Bear in mind Undertakers love overtakers!
The best thing to be buried in is a book!
I heard that Mary had a little lamb, has genetic engineering gone too far?
A puzzlement.....if a nun bought a washing machine would it be a Sistermatic?
Think on these things and smile :thinking: ah sed smile! :mrgreen:
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Re: Things to ponder

Postby Penny » Sun Jan 06, 2013 12:50 pm

I am smiling,in spite of the cold weather. Hope you have agood and funny 2013. cheers Penny
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Re: Things to ponder

Postby daffyd » Thu Jan 17, 2013 9:44 pm

Think on these things.................

Police have spoken to Freddie Starr's 34 year old fiancée and she has said
she has never had reason to think he was a paedophile in all their 25 years
together.

7 wheelchair athletes have been banned from the Paralympics after they
tested positive for WD40.

A mummy covered in chocolate and hazel nuts has been discovered in Egypt
Archaeologists believe it may be Pharaoh Roche.

Just a reminder to those who stole electrical goods in last year's
riots....Your 1 Year manufacturer's warranty runs out soon.

ITS A BOY" he shouted "A BOY, I DON'T BELIEVE IT, ITS A BOY"
and with tears streaming down his face swore he'd never visit another Thai
Brothel.

2 Indian junkies accidently snorted curry powder instead of cocaine .
Both are in hospital...one's in a korma.. The other's got a dodgy tikka.

In the first few days of the Olympics, the Romanians took gold, silver,
bronze, copper & lead .

Sailing results are in: GB took gold, USA took silver and Somalia took a
middle-aged couple from Weymouth.

A Englishman has started his own business in Afghanistan. He is making land
mines that look like prayer mats. Its doing well. Prophets are going through
the roof.


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Re: Things to ponder

Postby daffyd » Mon Jan 28, 2013 8:40 pm

Can you do this? Now don't go rushing into anything.....think about it!

http://www.youtube.com/v/Bw3itFt_mMc&re ... &version=3









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Re: Things to ponder

Postby daffyd » Mon Jan 28, 2013 9:24 pm

Perhaps limbering up is not quite up your street, however if you want to progress to this stage.......

http://tinyurl.com/aq37tez

......then you had better think again!


:butt: :butt: :butt: .....Don't :butt: me!
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Re: Things to ponder

Postby Penny » Tue Jan 29, 2013 6:41 pm

Sorry, had to give these up, too much was ruining my hairdo. cheers Penny
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Re: Things to ponder

Postby daffyd » Fri Feb 08, 2013 9:50 pm

Have you ever wondered why gravity gets you down?
I discovered the easiest way to figure out the cost of living is to take your income and add ten per cent!
Have you ever noticed, expenditure rises to meet your income?
I heard it said, 'Poets go from bad to verse' something to do with a writers curse, it leaves the with a penniless purse!
What they should do is follow my example, 'If at first you don't succeed, redefine success!'
Here is a piece of advice that has stood me in good stead, 'Never hit a man when he is down, wait until he's halfway up
and catch him off balance!'
My neighbour was sounding off, so I told him if he wanted to air his differences he should join a nudist colony!
Do you know, life is like a mystery tour..... except we all know the final destination. (excuse me, is this your stop?)
The best idea is to die young.......as late as possible!
Tell me this, if your eyes are the windows of your soul, why are your curtains always closed? :dunno:



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Re: Things to ponder

Postby dita » Sat Feb 09, 2013 12:45 pm

Brilliant as usual.
Wish more folk would come and read the stuff you put on this site.
They might not be so BORED.
Thanks Daffyd xx
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Re: Things to ponder

Postby daffyd » Sat Feb 09, 2013 8:12 pm

Thank you Dita..... the word is love..... spread the word!
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