Things to ponder

Jokes and funny stories

Re: Things to ponder

Postby daffyd » Sat Jun 15, 2013 3:39 pm

Now this may require a tad more thought ifin y'all are going tuh keep up with mah pondering......


Ah woke up this morning,ah lifted mah arms, turned mah neck, bent mah knees.
Everything made the same noise...... Cccccrrrrraaaacccckkkk!
Ah came to the conclusion I'm not old...... I'm just crispy!

Ah reckon if we put our politicians on a minimum wage, we'd soon see how fast things change!

Ah have finally discovered what is wrong with the brains of our policticians....
On the left side there is nothing right...
On the right side there is nothing left

NOTICES

Mah neighbor who works in a factory was puzzling over a notice he had found in his wage packet, it said, 'Any member of staff who needs a day off to go to a funeral, must warn the foreman on the day of the match!'

Whilst taking a stroll down town ah saw a notice in a Dress shop window, 'Our bikinis are exciting. They are simply the tops!'

It would seem that it is the season for notices, my stroll took me past the cemetery wherein the following notice had been posted, 'Persons are prohibited from picking flowers from any but their own graves'

I'm retired now but ah called into my old office to say "Howdy" and yep, there was another notice. 'After tea break, staff should empty the teapot and stand upside down on the draining board' Now that would be a sight worth watching!
My inferiority complex is not as good as yours.
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Re: Things to ponder

Postby daffyd » Sun Jun 23, 2013 7:55 pm

Biker with a heart of gold.


On June 29th, a group of Orlando, Florida, bikers were riding south on
I-275 when they saw a girl about to jump off the Skyway Bridge.
So they stopped.
George Dawson, their leader, a big burly man of 53, gets off his Harley, walks through a group of gawkers, past the State Trooper, and says, "What are you doing?"
She says, "I'm going to commit suicide.
While he didn't want to appear "sensitive," he didn't want to miss a be-a-legend opportunity either so he asked ... "Well, before you jump, why don't you give me a kiss?"
So, with no hesitation at all, she leaned back over the railing and did just that ... and it was a long, deep, lingering kiss followed immediately by another one.
After they finished, George gets approval from his biker-buddies, the onlookers, and even the State Trooper, and says, "Wow! That was the best kiss I've ever had Honey! That's a real talent you're wasting Sugar Shorts. You could be famous if you rode with me. Why are you committing suicide?"
"My parents don't like me dressing up like a girl."
It's still unclear whether (s)he jumped or was pushed...


Eish!!!
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Re: Things to ponder

Postby daffyd » Mon Jul 01, 2013 8:15 pm

Rev. Norton woke up Sunday morning and realizing it was an
exceptionally beautiful and sunny early spring day, decided he just
had to play golf. He told the Associate Pastor that he was feeling
sick and persuaded him to say Prayers for him that day. As soon as the
Associate Pastor left the room, Rev. Norton headed out of town to a
golf course about forty miles away. This way he knew he wouldn't
accidentally meet anyone he knew from his parish.

Setting up on the first tee, he was alone. After all, it was Sunday
morning and everyone else was in church! At about this time, Saint
Peter leaned over to the Lord while looking down from the heavens and
exclaimed "You're not going to let him get away with this, are you?"
The Lord sighed, and said, "No, I guess not." Just then Rev. Norton
hit the ball and it shot straight towards the pin, dropping just short
of it, rolled up and fell into the hole. IT WAS A 420 YARD HOLE IN
ONE! St. Peter was astonished. He looked at the Lord and asked, "Why
did you let him do that?"

The Lord smiled and replied, "Who's he going to tell?”






:tantrum2:
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Re: Things to ponder

Postby Penny » Tue Jul 02, 2013 8:21 pm

Brilliant. cheers Penny
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Re: Things to ponder

Postby daffyd » Fri Jul 12, 2013 6:56 pm

No I'm not into exercise either...... but I can recommend this one.....

A new exercise routine


1. Begin by standing on a comfortable surface, where you have plenty of room at each side. (Come on....ah sed PLENTY of room)

2. With a 5-lb potato bag in each hand, extend your arms straight out from your sides and
hold them there as long as you can. Try to reach a full minute, and then relax. (have a beer and a sit down)

3. Each day you'll find that you can hold this position for just a bit longer. After a couple of
weeks, move up to 10-lb potato bags. (Don't rush it.... go easy)

4. Then try 50-lb potato bags and then eventually try to get to where you can lift a 100-lb
potato bag in each hand and hold your arms straight for more than a full minute. (I'm at this level.)

5. After you feel confident at that level, put a potato in each bag.



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Re: Things to ponder

Postby Penny » Sun Jul 14, 2013 2:22 pm

Very good I tried this for a week or so kept adding pots, no difference, realised they was a hole in the bag. cheers Penny
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Re: Things to ponder

Postby daffyd » Sun Jul 14, 2013 7:18 pm

Only one hole Penny?
That is where you have to put the potatoes in, hold the bag with the 'hole' topside and no cheating. I happen to know you peel the potatoes first!
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Re: Things to ponder

Postby daffyd » Sat Jul 27, 2013 3:22 pm

A Canadian's plan to promote tolerance......

Jiggs McDonald, ( never heard of him, apparently a NHL Hall of Fame broadcaster) speaking in Orillia, Ontario, allegedly said, "I am truly perplexed that so many of my friends are against another mosque being built in Toronto. I think it should be the goal of every Canadian to be tolerant regardless of their religious beliefs. Thus, the mosque should be allowed, in an effort to promote tolerance.”

What a noble jesture...... but then he continued explaining the other side of the coin........

“That is why I also propose that two nightclubs be opened next door to the mosque, thereby promoting tolerance from within the mosque. We could call one of the clubs, which would be gay, ‘The Turban Cowboy,’ and the other a topless bar called ‘You Mecca Me Hot’."


“Next door should be a butcher shop that specializes in pork, and adjacent to that an open-pit barbecue pork restaurant called ‘Iraq o' Ribs’.”


“Across the street there could be a lingerie store called ‘Victoria Keeps Nothing Secret’ with sexy mannequins in the window modeling the goods.”


“Next door to the lingerie shop there would be a liquor store called ‘Morehammered’."


“All of this would encourage Muslims to demonstrate the very same tolerance they demand of us.”

Now that IS something to ponder..... but would it work?
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Re: Things to ponder

Postby daffyd » Wed Jul 31, 2013 7:11 pm

Murphy, a furniture dealer from Dublin, decided to expand the line of furniture in his store, so he decided to go to Paris to see what he could find.

After arriving in Paris , he visited with some manufacturers and selected a line that he thought would sell well back home. To celebrate the new acquisition, he decided to visit a small bistro and have a glass of wine.


As he sat enjoying his wine, he noticed that the small place was quite crowded,and that the other chair at his table was the only vacant seat in the house.

Before long, a very beautiful young Parisian girl came to his table, asked him something in French (which Murphy could not understand), so he motioned to the vacant chair and invited her to sit down.


He tried to speak to her in English, but she did not speak his language. After a couple of minutes of trying to communicate with her, he took a napkin and drew a picture of a wine glass and showed it to her. She nodded, so he ordered a glass of wine for her.

After sitting together at the table for a while, he took another napkin, and drew a picture of a plate with food on it, and she nodded. They left the bistro and found a quiet cafe that featured a small group playing romantic music.


They ordered dinner, after which he took another napkin and drew
a picture of a couple dancing. She nodded, and they got up to dance. They danced until the cafe closed and the band was packing up.

Back at their table, the young lady took a napkin and drew a picture of a four-poster bed. To this day, Murphy has no idea how she figured out he was in the furniture business.
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Re: Things to ponder

Postby daffyd » Mon Aug 12, 2013 7:51 pm

An Impossible Dream


A man is walking along a beach when he comes across a lamp partially buried in the sand.
He picks up the lamp and gives it a rub. A genie appears and tells him he has been granted one wish.

The man thinks for a moment and says, "I want to live forever."

"Sorry," said the genie, "I'm not allowed to grant eternal life."

"OK, then, I don’t want to die until after a Labor government balances the budget and eliminates the debt.

"You crafty little immortal," said the genie. (or words to that effect)
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Re: Things to ponder

Postby daffyd » Thu Aug 29, 2013 4:17 pm

THE CLASS REUNION

Every five years, as summertime nears,
An announcement arrives in the mail,
A reunion is planned; it'll be really grand;
Make plans to attend without fail.

I'll never forget the first time we met;
We tried so hard to impress.
We drove fancy cars, smoked big cigars,
And wore our most elegant dress.

It was quite an affair; the whole class was there.
It was held at a fancy hotel.
We wined, and we dined, and we acted refined,
And everyone thought it was swell.

The men all conversed about who had been first
To achieve great fortune and fame.
Meanwhile, their spouses described their fine houses
And how beautiful their children became.

The homecoming queen, who once had been lean,
Now weighed in at one-ninety-six.
The jocks who were there had all lost their hair,
And the cheerleaders could no longer do kicks.

No one had heard about the class nerd
Who'd guided a spacecraft to the moon;
Or poor little Jane, who's always been plain;
She married a shipping tycoon.

The boy we'd decreed 'most apt to succeed'
Was serving ten years in the pen,
While the one voted 'least' now was a priest;
Just shows you can be wrong now and then.

They awarded a prize to one of the guys
Who seemed to have aged the least..
Another was given to the grad who had driven
The farthest to attend the feast.

They took a class picture, a curious mixture
Of beehives, crew cuts and wide ties.
Tall, short, or skinny, the style was the mini;
You never saw so many thighs.

At our next get-together, no one cared whether
They impressed their classmates or not.
The mood was informal, a whole lot more normal;
By this time we'd all gone to pot.

It was held out-of-doors, at the lake shores;
We ate hamburgers, coleslaw, and beans.
Then most of us lay around in the shade,
In our comfortable T-shirts and jeans.

By the fiftieth year, it was abundantly clear,
We were definitely over the hill.
Those who weren't dead had to crawl out of bed,
And be home in time for their pill.

And now I can't wait; they've set the date;
Our sixtieth is coming, I'm told.
It should be a ball, they've rented a hall
At the Shady Rest Home for the old.

Repairs have been made on my hearing aid;
My pacemaker's been turned up on high.
My wheelchair is oiled, and my teeth have been boiled;
And I've bought a new wig and glass eye.

I'm feeling quite hearty, and I'm ready to party
I'm gonna dance 'til dawn's early light.
It'll be lots of fun; But I just hope that there's one
Other person who can make it that night.
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Re: Things to ponder

Postby daffyd » Tue Sep 03, 2013 8:15 pm

Beware..... the demon drink.....

Someone warned me of that, so I asked them to be more explicit and name the drink in question!

I have been known to imbine....er bemine..... er....hic.. ..tarpake...take part in a convivial session which included (mostly at the end of the session) a little known practice of imbrication, brought about by imbibing that delectable highland nectar known as 'a wee malt whisky' (by the skinful) hic...
It wasn't until one wanted to answer the nall of cature, er cale of noughtshire...er..Harruph!
It wasn't until one wanted to evacutate one's bladder, that one realised that one was part of an trincated ...er intricated entaglement of like minded bodies. (on the floor)
One good thing about lying on the floor is there is no danger of one falling ...hic...hic... off it!
The doctor told me..... nay.... warned me to watch my drinking!
So I bought a mirror!
He said I was nothing but a playboy!
Playboy? Playboy? I questioned, what the.. what... wazzat?
A man that believes in wine, women and so long.... he cackled!
Ah retorted, Its not only drunken opticians that make a spectacle of themselves!

Hey! To be fair....no..no..to be fair....there are no pollier jeeple...hic.... jollier people than noctors and durses...hic...er...doctors...er ...doctors and er...nurses....(Hee...hee) they have you in stitches!!!!
Ooops! My glass requires attention....scuse me.... I'll leave you with this intriguing thought.... er...my glass... no not that.... I know. I know.... "Infertility... infertility is hereditary! There you are....if your parents didn't have children, then you will not have any either!"
How about that for profundity?
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Re: Things to ponder

Postby daffyd » Thu Sep 05, 2013 8:12 pm

Take care who you invite to dinner............


My wife hosted a dinner party for all our friends, some we hadn’t seen for quite a while, and everyone was encouraged to bring their children as well.

All during dinner my wife’s best friend’s four-year-old stared at me sitting across from her.

The girl could hardly eat her food for staring.

I checked my shirt for spots, felt my face for food, patted my hair in
place but nothing stopped her from staring at me.

I tried my best to just ignore her but finally it was too much for me.
I finally asked her "Why are you staring at me?"

Everyone at the table had noticed her behaviour and the table went quiet for her response.

The little girl said "I'm just waiting to see how you drink like a fish."
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Re: Things to ponder

Postby dita » Fri Sep 06, 2013 10:48 am

:roflmao: :roflmao: :roflmao: :roflmao:
Who had she be listening to?
Beware of gossip in front of kids
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