Mental Hospital Phone Menu

Jokes and funny stories

Mental Hospital Phone Menu

Postby lavonne » Fri Jul 05, 2013 8:07 pm

MENTAL HOSPITAL PHONE MENU

Hello & thank you for calling The State Mental Hospital.

Please select from the following options menu:

If you are obsessive-compulsive, press 1 repeatedly.

If you are co-dependent, please ask someone to press 2 for you.

If you have multiple personalities, press 3, 4, 5 & 6.

If you are paranoid, we know who you are & what you want,
stay on the line so we can trace your call.

If you are delusional, press 7 &
your call will be forwarded to the Mother Ship.

If you are schizophrenic, listen carefully
and a little voice will tell You which number to press.

If you are manic-depressive, hang up.
It doesn't matter which number you press,
nothing will make you happy anyway.

If you are dyslexic, press 9-6-9-6.

If you are bipolar, please leave a message after the beep
or before the beep or after the beep.
But Please wait for the beep.

If you have short-term memory loss, press 9.
If you have short-term memory loss, press 9.
If you have short-term memory loss, press 9.

If you have low self-esteem, please hang up.
Our operators are too busy to talk with you.

If you are menopausal, put the gun down,
hang up, turn on the fan, lie down & cry.
You won't be crazy forever.

If you are blonde, don't press any buttons.
You'll just mess it up.

This coming week is National Mental Health Care week.
You can do your part by remembering to contact at least
1 unstable person to show you care.

(Well, my job is done . Your turn!)
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Re: Mental Hospital Phone Menu

Postby Penny » Fri Jul 05, 2013 9:51 pm

Brilliant. cheers Penny
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Re: Mental Hospital Phone Menu

Postby mazzy » Sat Jul 06, 2013 6:16 am

Good to start the day with a laugh.
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Re: Mental Hospital Phone Menu

Postby Jann » Sat Jul 06, 2013 9:01 am

That is dreadful in my opinion .... :evil:
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Re: Mental Hospital Phone Menu

Postby Young Goat » Sat Jul 06, 2013 6:14 pm

Jann wrote:That is dreadful in my opinion .... :evil:

I agree !
Mental health problems are no laughing matter :tantrum2:
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Re: Mental Hospital Phone Menu

Postby Anya » Sun Jul 07, 2013 6:57 am

You know the patients' favourite menu?

Freud Fish and Jung Potatoes

Seriously, tho', folks. Cycling was found to be enormously beneficial and many mental hospitals laid miles of psycho-paths.

(Cycle-paths. Loses something, when written down)
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Re: Mental Hospital Phone Menu

Postby vannin » Sun Jul 07, 2013 6:20 pm

NO Lavonne, it is NOT brilliant :tantrum2: :tantrum2:

OK, I'll be like Penny and 'keep my woes to myself'
Last edited by vannin on Mon Jul 08, 2013 6:50 pm, edited 1 time in total.
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Re: Mental Hospital Phone Menu

Postby Jann » Sun Jul 07, 2013 8:20 pm

Agreed vannin wholeheartedly .....
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Re: Mental Hospital Phone Menu

Postby admin » Sun Jul 07, 2013 9:14 pm

Not acceptable, lavonne........any more than a racist or any other joke based on attributes/problems people have no choice about having.

I'd appreciate it if, before people post jokes like this, they would ask themselves if they, or a member of their family, had mental health problems, and someone else posted that, if they would still find it funny....and if not..not bliddy well do it. I would also remind members, that as they don't know every other poster on here personally, it is worth taking time to consider if possibly offending friends is worth a cheap laugh.


I have said before......and I repeat once again.......think before you post!
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Re my post Mentall Health Phone Menu -Please Read

Postby lavonne » Sun Jul 07, 2013 9:23 pm

Re my post Mental Health Phone Menu, have you actually read it , those who condemn me ? The title [ sent to me by a friend ]is perhaps not a good one , but the post is about the stress sending you mad when you have to press various buttons on the phone, nothing whatever to do with mentally ill people .I would never ,NEVER ,make fun of or do anything to hurt /upset a mentally ill person , or a relative of theirs,I know only too well the heart ache this can bring & I am hurt to be critisized this way
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Re: Re my post Mentall Health Phone Menu -Please Read

Postby ciderman_nz » Sun Jul 07, 2013 11:52 pm

I think they were all a bit hard on you Lavonne. After all everyone laughs at this one but how would they feel if their son, daughter or parent were an alcoholic?

One evening last October, when I was far from sober
And dragging home a load with manly pride
My feet began to stutter and I fell down in the gutter
And a pig came up and parked right by my side

Then I mumbled, "It's fair weather when good comrades get together"
Till a lady passing by was heard to say,
"You can tell a man that boozes by the playmates that he chooses"
Then the pig got up and slowly walked away

I began to scratch the gravel, on my all fours I did travel
I rambled down the road the best I could
When I awoke next morning, just as the day was dawning
I was in a hog pen away out in the woods

Then the hogs began to grumble, I started and I stumbled
I fell right in their midst and there I lay
Then one by one they started, till all the herd departed
Yes, every hog got up and walked away

Now lately I've been thinking that I will quit my drinking
I'm going to leave off whiskey, beer and grog
For there's no consolation, but only aggravation
You can't even find friends with a hog
Civilisation is a veneer, easily soluble in alcohol.
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Re: Re my post Mentall Health Phone Menu -Please Read

Postby mazzy » Mon Jul 08, 2013 5:54 am

This joke you posted...yes, a joke, for that is what it is...has been going the rounds for years.
It made me smile.

I have had more than enough experience of mental illness within my family. I was also married at one time to a guy with sociapathic tendencies, I lived with his mother who was manic/depressive (yes, I know we have to call it bipolar these days) and helped look after his brother who was schizophrenic....oh yes, and it was me who found his father when he commited suicide.

I seemed to spend a great deal of my time with medical professionals and visiting mental hospitals. Yet still this post made me smile!

Seems strange that suddenly one post can make people contribute here....for ages now it has been just a few, mainly talking about the falcons.

I am so sorry you have been rounded on like this Lavonne ...even a 'non member' found time to post about it on Face Book.
When I read a post that offends me I ignore it....and there have been a few.
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Re: Re my post Mentall Health Phone Menu -Please Read

Postby Andere Richtingen » Mon Jul 08, 2013 9:19 am

Here, here!
Thank you, Mazzy, for being the spokesperson for common sense!
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Re: Re my post Mentall Health Phone Menu -Please Read

Postby ciderman_nz » Mon Jul 08, 2013 9:25 am

Andere Richtingen wrote:Here, here!
Thank you, Mazzy, for being the spokesperson for common sense!

Me too! Thought I was the only one on Lavonne's side.
Civilisation is a veneer, easily soluble in alcohol.
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Re: Re my post Mentall Health Phone Menu -Please Read

Postby dita » Mon Jul 08, 2013 11:12 am

That joke was going round our Mental hospital 2yrs ago, the patients themselves thought it very funny, noone thought it offensive. There is paranoid schizophrenia in my home, I am the carer. For crying out loud folks, you need a sense of humour or we'd all be clinical depressed.
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