The Irishman

[Maywalk]

One day an Irishman who had been stranded on a deserted island
for over 10 years, saw a speck on the horizon. He thought to himself,

"It's certainly not a ship."
And, as the speck got closer and closer, he began to rule out the
possibilities of a small boat and even a raft.

Suddenly there emerged from the surf a wet-suited blonde clad figure.
Putting aside the scuba gear and the top of the wet suit, there
stood a Drop-dead gorgeous woman!

The glamorous blonde strode up to the stunned Irishman and said to
him, "Tell me, how long has it been since you've had a good cigar"
"Ten years," replied the amazed Irishman.

With that, she reached over and unzipped a waterproof pocket on
the left sleeve of her wet suit and pulled out a fresh package of
cigars.

He takes one, lights it, and takes a long drag. :
"Faith and begorrah," said the man,
"that is so good I'd almost forgotten how great a smoke can be!"

"And how long has it been since you've had a drop of good Powers
Irish Whiskey?" asked the blonde.
Trembling, the castaway replied, "Ten years."

Hearing that, the blonde reaches over to her right sleeve, unzips a
pocket and removes a flask and hands it to him.

He opened the flask and took a long drink. "'Tis nectar of the
gods! "stated the Irishman. ''Tis truly Fantastic!"

At this point the gorgeous blonde started to slowly unzip the
long front of her wet suit, right down the middle.
She looked at the trembling man and asked,

"And how long has it been since you played around?"
With tears in his eyes, the Irishman fell to his knees and
sobbed,............................................
"Jesus, Mary and Joseph ..................................
Don't tell me that you've got golf clubs in there, too !

[Rowan]

[dejavou]

[Josieclick]

Paddy the Irishman died in a fire and was burnt pretty badly. So the morgue needed someone to identify the body.

His two best friends, Seamus and Sean (also Irishmen), were sent for. Seamus went in and the mortician pulled back the sheet.
Seamus said "Yup, he's burnt pretty bad. Roll him over". So the mortician rolled him over. Seamus looked and said "Nope, it ain't Paddy".

The mortician thought that was rather strange and then he brought Sean in to identify the body. Sean took a look at him and said, "Yup, he's burnt
real bad, roll him over". The mortician rolled him over and Sean looked down and said, "No, it ain't Paddy".

The mortician asked, "How can you tell?"

Sean said, "Well, Paddy had two assholes."

"What, he had two assholes???" said the mortician.

"Yup, everyone knew he had two arseholes. Every time we went into town, folks would say, "Here comes Paddy with them two assholes...."

*********************************

Five Englishmen in an Audi Quattro arrived at an Irish border checkpoint.
Paddy the officer stops them and tells them: "It is illegal to put 5 people in a Quattro, Quattro means four".

"Quattro is just the name of the automobile," the Englishman retorts disbelievingly. "Look at the papers: this car is designed to carry five persons."

You cannot pull that one on me," replies Paddy "Quattro means four. You have five people in your car and you are therefore breaking the law.

"The Englishmen replies angrily, "You idiot! Call your supervisor over I want to speak to someone with more intelligence!"

"Sorry," responds Paddy, "Murphy is busy with 2 guys in a Fiat Uno."

******************************************

Following a night out with a few friends, a man brought them back to show off his new flat.
After the grand tour, the visitors were rather perplexed by the large gong taking pride of place in the lounge.
"What's that big brass gong for?" one of the guests asked

"Why, that's my Speaking Clock" the man replied,
"How does it work?"

"I'll show you", the man said, giving the gong an ear-shattering blow
with an unpadded hammer.
Suddenly, a voice from the other side of the wall screamed, "For, *****sake, you *****, it's twenty to two in the ****ing morning!!"
*************************************

A young man excitedly tells his mother he's fallen in love and is going to get married.

He says, "Just for fun, Ma, I'm going to bring over 2 other female friends in addition to my fiancée and you try and guess which one I'm going to marry".

The next day, he brings 3 beautiful women into the house and sits them down on the couch and they chat for a while.

He then says, "Okay, Ma. Guess which one I'm going to marry."
She immediately replies, "The red-head in the middle."
"That's amazing, Ma. You're right, how did you know?"

"I don't like her."

***********************************************************
Mick was in court for a double murder and the judge said, "You are charged with beating your wife to death with a spanner."

A voice at the back of the courtroom yelled out, "You b*stard!" The judge continued, "You are also charged with beating your daughter to death with a spanner."
Again, the voice at the back of the courtroom yelled out, "You ****ing b*stard!!!"

The judge stopped, looked at the man in the back of the courtroom, and said, "Paddy, I can understand your anger and frustration at this crime, but I will not have any more of these outbursts from you or I shall
charge you with contempt! Now what is the problem?"
Paddy, at the back of the court stood up and responded, "For
fifteen years I lived next door to that b*stard. And every time I asked to borrow a *****ing spanner, he said he didn't have one!"
******************************************
A man walks into a bar and asks for a beer. After drinking it, he looks in his shirt pocket and asks for another beer. After drinking that one, he looks in his shirt pocket again and asks for another beer.
This happens about another seven times before the bartender asks
him, "Why do you keep looking in your pocket?"

The man replies, "I have a picture of my wife in there. When she starts to look attractive I'll go home."