B & Q JOB APPLICATION

[Maywalk]

B & Q JOB APPLICATION

This is allegedly an actual job application that a 75-year-old pensioner
submitted to B&Q in Tunbridge Wells. They hired him because he was so
funny.....


NAME: Kenneth Way (Grumpy B*****d)

SEX: Not lately, but I am looking for the right woman (or at least one who
will cooperate)

DESIRED POSITION: Company's Chief Executive or Managing Director. But
seriously, whatever's available. If I was in a position to be picky, I
wouldn't be applying in the first place would I?

DESIRED SALARY: 150,000 a year plus share options and a Tony Blair style
redundancy package. If that's not possible, make an offer and we can haggle.

EDUCATION: Yes.

LAST POSITION HELD: Target for middle management hostility.

PREVIOUS SALARY: A lot less than I'm worth.

MOST NOTABLE ACHIEVEMENT: My incredible collection of stolen pens and
post-it notes.

REASON FOR LEAVING: It was a crap job.

HOURS AVAILABLE TO WORK: Any.

PREFERRED HOURS: 1:30-3:30 p.m. Monday, Tuesday, and Thursday.

DO YOU HAVE ANY SPECIAL SKILLS?: Yes, but they're better suited to a more
intimate environment.

MAY WE CONTACT YOUR CURRENT EMPLOYER?: If I had one, would I be here?

DO YOU HAVE ANY PHYSICAL CONDITIONS THAT WOULD PROHIBIT YOU FROM LIFTING UP
TO 50 lbs.?: Of what?

DO YOU HAVE A CAR?: I think the more appropriate question here would be 'Do
you have a car that runs?'

HAVE YOU RECEIVED ANY SPECIAL AWARDS OR RECOGNITION?: I may already be a
winner of the Readers Digest Timeshare Free Holiday Offer, so they tell
me.

DO YOU SMOKE?: On the job - no!
On my breaks - yes!

WHAT WOULD YOU LIKE TO BE DOING IN FIVE YEARS?: Living in the Bahamas with a
fabulously wealthy Swedish supermodel with big t**s and who thinks I'm the
greatest thing since sliced bread. Actually, I'd like to be doing that now.

NEAREST RELATIVE ....7 miles

DO YOU CERTIFY THAT THE ABOVE IS TRUE AND COMPLETE TO THE BEST OF YOUR
KNOWLEDGE?: Oh yes, absolutely.

[vannin]

[Rowan]

[vannin]

Were it not for the name and location - obviously he is not 'Disgusted of Tunbridge Wells' though the rampant sexual ambition and the smoking and the thefts, I would swear that was my own 75-year-old. He has, since long-ago retirement, spent a great deal of time as customer of B & Q, which is within a quarter mile of here. Seems to meet his mates there, both sales-people and fellow-customers.

[dejavou]