How to give a cat a pill

[dabthoms]

1. Pick up the cat and cradle it in the crook of your left arm as if holding
a baby. Position right forefinger and thumb on either side of cat's mouth
and gently apply pressure to cheeks while holding pill in right hand. As cat
opens mouth pop pill into mouth. Allow cat to close mouth and swallow.

2. Retrieve pill from floor and cat from behind sofa. Cradle cat in left arm
and repeat process.

3. Take new pill from foil wrap, cradle cat in left arm, holding rear paws
tightly with left hand. Force jaws open and push pill to back of mouth with
right forefinger. Hold mouth shut for a count of ten.

4. Kneel on floor with cat wedged firmly between knees, hold front and rear
paws, ignore growls emitted by cat. Get spouse to hold cat's head firmly
with one hand while forcing wooden ruler into mouth. Drop pill down ruler
and rub cat's throat vigorously.

5. Retrieve cat from curtain rail, get another pill from foil wrap. Make
note to buy new ruler and repair curtains. Carefully sweep shattered
figurines and vases from hearth and set to one side for gluing later.

6. Wrap cat in a large towel and get spouse to lie on cat with cat's head
just visible from below armpit. Put pill in end of a drinking straw, force
cat's mouth open with pencil and blow down straw.

7. Check label to make sure pill is not harmful to humans, drink a beer to
take away the taste. Apply Band-Aid to spouse's forearm and remove blood
from the carpet with soap and water.

8. Tie the little angel's front paws to rear paws with garden twine and bind
tightly to leg of the dining table. Find heavy pruning gloves from shed.
Push pill into mouth followed by large piece of fillet steak. Be rough about
it. Hold head vertical and pour 2 pints of water down cat's throat to wash
down pill.

9. Consume remainder of scotch. Get spouse to drive you to the A&E, sit
quietly while doctor stitches fingers and forearm and removes pill from your
eye. Call furniture shop on way home to order a new table.

10. Arrange for RSPCA to collect the mutant cat from hell and ring local pet
shop to see whether they have any hamsters.

[Rowan]