Airline Cabin Announcements.

[Maywalk]

All too rarely, airline attendants make an effort to make the in
flight "safety lecture" and announcements a bit more entertaining. Here are
some real examples that have been heard or reported:



1. On a Southwest flight 245 (SW has no assigned seating, you just
sit where you want) passengers were apparently having a hard time choosing,
when a flight attendant announced, "People, people we're not picking out
furniture here, find a seat and get in it!"



2. On a Continental Flight with a very "senior" flight attendant
crew, the pilot said, "Ladies and gentlemen, we've reached cruising
altitude and will be turning down the cabin lights. This is for your
comfort and to enhance the appearance of your flight attendants."



3. On landing, the stewardess said, "Please be sure to take all of
your belongings. If you're going to leave anything, please make sure it's
something we'd like to have.



4. "There may be 50 ways to leave your lover, but there are only 4
ways out of this airplane"



5. "Thank you for flying Delta Business Express. We hope you enjoyed
giving us the business as much as we enjoyed taking you for a ride."



6. As the plane landed and was coming to a stop at Ronald Reagan, a
lone voice came over the loudspeaker: "Whoa, big fella. WHOA!"



7. After a particularly rough landing during thunderstorms in
Memphis, a flight attendant on a Northwest flight announced, "Please take
care when opening the overhead compartments because, after a landing like
that, sure as hell everything has shifted."



8. From a Southwest Airlines employee: "Welcome aboard Southwest
Flight 245 to Tampa.. To operate your seat belt, insert the metal tab into
the buckle, and pull tight. It works just like every other seat belt; and,
if you don't know how to operate one, you probably shouldn't be out in
public unsupervised."



9. "In the event of a sudden loss of cabin pressure, masks will
descend from the ceiling. Stop screaming, grab the mask, and pull it over
your face. If you have a small child traveling with you, secure your mask
before assisting with theirs. If you are traveling with more than one small
child, pick your favorite."



10. "Weather at our destination is 50 degrees with some broken
clouds, but we'll try to have them fixed before we arrive. Thank you, and
remember, nobody loves you, or your money, more than Southwest Airlines."



11. "Your seat cushions can be used for flotation; and, in the event
of an emergency water landing, please paddle to shore and take them with
our compliments."



12. "As you exit the plane, make sure to gather all of your
belongings. Anything left behind will be distributed evenly among the
flight attendants. Please do not leave children or spouses."



13. And from the pilot during his welcome message: "Delta Airlines
is pleased to have some of the best flight attendants in the industry.
Unfortunately, none of them are on this flight!"



14. Heard on Southwest Airlines just after a very hard landing in
Salt Lake City the flight attendant came on the intercom and said, "That
was quite a bump, and I know what y'all are thinking. I'm here to tell you
it wasn't! he airline's fault, it wasn't the pilot's fault, it wasn't the
flight attendant's fault, it was the asphalt."



15. Overheard on an American Airlines flight into Amarillo, Texas,
on a particularly windy and bumpy day: During the final approach, the
Captain was really having to fight it. After an extremely hard landing, the
Flight Attendant said, "Ladies and Gentlemen, welcome to Amarillo. Please
remain in your seats with your seat belts fastened while the Captain taxis
what's left of our airplane to the gate!"



16. Another flight attendant's comment on a less than perfect
landing: "We ask you to please remain seated as Captain Kangaroo bounces us
to the terminal."



17. An airline pilot wrote that on this particular flight he had
hammered his ship into the runway really hard. The airline had a policy
which required the first officer to stand at the door while the Passengers
exited, smile, and give them a "Thanks for flying our airline." He said
that, in light of his bad landing, he had a hard time looking the
passengers in the eye, thinking that someone would have a smart comment.
Finally everyone had gotten off except for a little old lady walking with a
cane. She said, "Sir, do you mind if I ask you a question?" "Why, no,
Ma'am," said the pilot. "What is it?" The little old lady said, "Did we
land, or were we shot down?"



18. After a real crusher of a landing in Phoenix, the attendant came
on with, "Ladies and Gentlemen, please remain in your seats until Capt.
Crash and the Crew have brought the aircraft to a screeching halt against
the gate. And, once the tire smoke has cleared and the warning bells are
silenced, we'll open the door and you can pick your way through the
wreckage to the terminal."



19. Part of a flight attendant's arrival announcement: "We'd like to
thank you folks for flying with us today. And, the next time you get the
insane urge to go blasting through the skies in a pressurized metal tube,
we hope you'll think of US Airways."



20. Heard on a Southwest Airline flight. "Ladies and gentlemen, if
you wish to smoke, the smoking section on this airplane is on the wing and
if you can light 'em, you can smoke 'em."



21. A plane was taking off from Kennedy Airport. After it reached a
comfortable cruising altitude, the captain made an announcement over the
intercom, "Ladies and gentlemen, this is your captain speaking. Welcome to
Flight Number 293, nonstop from New York to Los Angeles. The weather ahead
is good and, therefore, we should have a smooth and uneventful flight. Now
sit back and relax.. OH, MY GOD!" Silence followed, and after a few
minutes, the captain came back on the intercom and said, "Ladies and
Gentlemen, I am so sorry if I scared you earlier. While I was talking to
you, the flight attendant accidentally spilled a cup of hot coffee in my
lap. You should see the front of my pants!" A passenger in Coach yelled,
"That's nothing. You should see the back of mine."

[Polter60]

I once flew in a twin engine Ryanair plane. The pilot introduced himself in a thick Irish brogue and said ......... we're having a bit of luck today, we seem to be pointing in the right direction, have a nice flight!!

[dejavou]

[Rowan]

[twinsmum]

In the 70 John often had to go to work Northern Ireland in the middle of the troubles, he was sat on one of what seemed to him a rickety old plane waiting for take off when the cockpit door opened and one of the crew started stamping on the floor in the middle of the isle, then he looked at the passengers and asked can you hear anything turned and when back into the cockpit, one of the stewardesses laughing said take no notice of him, its his idea of a joke.

[Rowan]