Disorder in the courts.

[Maywalk]

I have seen these quite a few times over the years but I still have a titter at them.


These are from a book called Disorder in the American
Courts, and are things people actually said in court, word for
word, taken down and now published by court reporters. Enjoy.




ATTORNEY: What was the first thing your
husband said to you that morning?

WITNESS: He said, 'Where am I, Cathy?'

ATTORNEY: And why did that upset you?

WITNESS: My name is Susan!
____________________________________________
ATTORNEY: What gear were you in at the
moment of the impact?

WITNESS: Gucci sweats and Reeboks.
____________________________________________
ATTORNEY: Are you sexually active?

WITNESS: No, I just lie there.
____________________________________________
ATTORNEY: This myasthenia gravis, does it
affect your memory at all?

WITNESS: Yes

ATTORNEY: And in what ways does it affect your memory?

WITNESS: I forget.

ATTORNEY: You forget? Can you give us an
example of something you forgot?
___________________________________________
ATTORNEY: Do you know if your daughter has ever been
involved in voodoo?

WITNESS: We both do.

ATTORNEY: Voodoo?

WITNESS: We do.

ATTORNEY: You do?

WITNESS: Yes, voodoo.
____________________________________________
ATTORNEY: Now doctor, isn't it true that
when a person dies in his sleep, he
doesn't know about it until the next morning?

WITNESS: Did you actually pass the bar exam?
____________________________________
ATTORNEY: The youngest son, the twenty-year-old, how old is he?

WITNESS: He's twenty, much like your IQ.
____________________________ ______

ATTORNEY: Were you present when your picture was taken?

WITNESS: Are you sh***ing me?

_________________________________________
ATTORNEY: So the date of conception (of
the baby) was August 8th?

WITNESS: Yes.

ATTORNEY: And what were you doing at that time?

WITNESS: Getting laid
____________________________________________
ATTORNEY: She had three children, right?

WITNESS: Yes.

ATTORNEY: How many were boys?

WITNESS: None..

ATTORNEY: Were there any girls?

WITNESS: Your Honor, I think I need a different attorney.
Can I get a new attorney?
___________________________________ _______
ATTORNEY: How was your first marriage terminated?

WITNESS: By death.

ATTORNEY: And by whose death was it terminated?

WITNESS: Take a guess.
___________________________________________
ATTORNEY: Can you describe the
individual?

WITNESS: He was about medium height and had a beard.

ATTORNEY: Was this a male or a female?

WITNESS: Unless the circus was in town, I'm going with male.
_____ ________________________________
ATTORNEY: Is your appearance here this morning pursuant to a deposition notice which I sent to your attorney?

WITNESS: No, this is how I dress when I go to work.
______________________________________
ATTORNEY: Doctor, how many of your autopsies have you
performed on dead people?

WITNESS: All of them. The live ones put up too much of a fight....
______________________________________
ATTORNEY: ALL your responses MUST be oral,
OK? What school did you go to?

WITNESS: Oral.
________________________________________
ATTORNEY: Do you recall the time that you examined the body?

WITNESS : The autopsy started around 8:30 p.m.

ATTORNEY: And Mr. Denton was dead at the time?

WITNESS: If not, he was by the time I finished.
________________________________________
ATTORNEY: Are you qualified to give a urine sample?

WITNESS: Are you qualified to ask that question?
______________________________________
And the best for last:

ATTORNEY: Doctor, before you performed the autopsy, did you check for a pulse?

WITNESS: No.

ATTORNEY: Did you check for blood pressure?

WITNESS: No.

ATTORNEY: Did you check for breathing?

WITNESS: No.

ATTORNEY: So, then it is possible that the patient was alive
when you began the autopsy?

WITNESS: No.

ATTORNEY: How can you be so sure, Doctor?

WITNESS: Because his brain was sitting on my desk in a jar.

ATTORNEY: I see, but could the patient
have still been alive, nevertheless?

WITNESS: Yes, it is possible that he could
have been alive and practicing law.

[Rowan]

[Penny]

Old ones but still very funny, cheers Penny.

[dita]