Paddy was in the delivery room when the midwife handed him a black baby Is this yours she asked. Probably, said Paddy. She burns everything else.


My missus has just gone into hospital with two black eyes and a broken jaw. It seems we were on different wavelengths when she said she wanted decking on the patio.


A mate of mine has just told me he's sleeping with his girlfriend and her twin. I said How can you tell them apart? He said, Her brother's got a moustache!