Let me tell you a story.....

Jokes and funny stories

Re: Let me tell you a story.....

Postby daffyd » Thu Jun 27, 2013 1:39 pm

.. And you thought you knew a bit about technology?

Let me tell you of the Awesome power of Pile Drivers.



Pile Drivers - now totally professional:



Only a month after more than 1,100 Bangladeshi garment workers lost their lives in the collapse of a badly-built and poorly-maintained eight-storey building, the new building code

Has - thankfully - gone into force ... And its rigid practices are already being applied by highly-skilled and properly-trained construction teams, labouring in harmony on job-sites

All across the sub-continent ...





Http://www.youtube-nocookie.com/embed/cFb0nLCKypg?rel=0
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Re: Let me tell you a story.....

Postby daffyd » Mon Jul 01, 2013 7:21 pm

I was stopped by the police around 2 AM and was asked
where I was going at that time of night.

I replied, "I'm on my way to a lecture about alcohol abuse and the
effects it has on the human body, as well as smoking, and staying out late."

The officer then asked, "Really? Who's giving that lecture at this time of
night?"

I replied, "That would be my wife."

:sad:
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Re: Let me tell you a story.....

Postby daffyd » Mon Jul 01, 2013 8:06 pm

An old nun who was living in a convent next to a construction site noticed the coarse language of the workers and decided to spend some time with them to correct their ways.

She decided she would take her lunch and sit with them, so she put her sandwich in a brown bag and walked over to the spot where the men were eating.

Sporting a big smile, she walked up to the group and asked:
"Any of you men know Jesus Christ?"

They shook their heads and looked at each other, very confused. Then one of the workers looked up into the steelworks and yelled out,
"Anybody up there know Jesus Christ?"

One of the steelworkers yelled back down,
"Why?"

The worker yelled back,
"’Cause his mum's here with his lunch."


:sunglasses:
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Re: Let me tell you a story.....

Postby daffyd » Mon Jul 01, 2013 8:27 pm

A new sign in the Bank Lobby reads:

Please note that this Bank is installing new Drive-through ATM machines enabling customers to withdraw cash without leaving their vehicles.

Customers using this new facility are requested to use the procedures outlined below when accessing their accounts.

After months of careful research, "MALE & FEMALE" procedures have been developed. Please follow the appropriate steps for your gender.
*******************************
MALE PROCEDURE:
1. Drive up to the cash machine.
2. Put down your car window.
3. Insert card into machine and enter PIN.
4. Enter amount of cash required and withdraw.
5. Retrieve card, cash and receipt.
6. Put window up.
7. Drive off.

*******************************

FEMALE PROCEDURE:
(What is really funny is that most of this part is the truth!!!!)

1. Drive up to cash machine.
2. Reverse and back up the required amount to align car window with the machine.
3. Set parking brake, put the window down.
4. Find handbag, remove all contents on to passenger seat to locate card.
5. Tell person on cell phone you will call them back and hang up.
6. Attempt to insert card into machine.
7. Open car door to allow easier access to machine due to its excessive distance from the car.
8. Insert card.
9. Re-insert card the right way.
10. Dig through handbag to find diary with your PIN written on the inside back page.
11. Enter PIN.
12. Press cancel and re-enter correct PIN.
13. Enter amount of cash required.
14. Check makeup in rear view mirror.
15. Retrieve cash and receipt.
16. Empty handbag again to locate wallet and place cash inside.
17. Write debit amount in check register and place receipt in back of check book.
18. Re-check makeup.
19. Drive forward 2 feet.
20. Reverse back to cash machine.
21. Retrieve card.
22. Re-empty hand bag, locate card holder, and place card into the slot provided!
23. Give dirty look to irate male driver waiting behind you.
24. Restart stalled engine and pull off.
25. Re-dial person on cell phone.
26. Drive for 2 to 3 miles.
27. Release Parking Brake.

:?
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Re: Let me tell you a story.....

Postby dita » Sat Jul 06, 2013 5:48 pm

Think they are all so funny, apart from last one. NO COMMENT :) xx
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Re: Let me tell you a story.....

Postby daffyd » Sun Jul 07, 2013 7:52 pm

Seniors Travel


A Travel Agent looked up from his desk to see an old lady and an old gentleman peering in the shop window at the posters showing the glamorous destinations around the world. The agent had a good week and the dejected couple looking in the window gave him a rare feeling of generosity.

He called them into his shop, 'I know that on your pension you could never hope to have a holiday, so I am sending you off to a
fabulous resort at my expense, and I won't take no for an answer.'

He took them inside and asked his secretary to write two flight tickets and book a room in a five star hotel. Then, as can be
expected, they gladly accepted, and were off!

About a month later the little old lady came in to his shop. 'And how did you like your holiday?' he asked eagerly.

'The flight was exciting and the room was lovely,' she said. 'I've come to thank you, but one thing puzzled me.
Who was that old bugger I had to share the room with?

ACTUALLY, SOME OF US ASK THE SAME QUESTION EVERY MORNING..... !
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Re: Let me tell you a story.....

Postby daffyd » Fri Jul 12, 2013 7:57 pm

Arcelor-Mittal Steel, feeling it was time for a shakeup,
hired a new CEO. The new boss was determined to rid the
company of all slackers.

On a tour of the facilities, the CEO noticed a guy leaning
against a wall. The room was full of workers and he wanted
to let them know that he meant business. He asked the guy,
"How much money do you make a week?"

A little surprised, the young man looked at him and said,
"I make $400 a week. Why?"

The CEO said, "Wait right here." He walked back to his
office, came back in two minutes, and handed the guy $1,600
in cash and said, "Here's four weeks' pay. Now GET OUT and
don't come back."

Feeling pretty good about himself the CEO looked around the
room and asked, "Does anyone want to tell me what that
goof-ball did here?"

From across the room a voice said, "Pizza delivery guy from
Domino's."



:hide:
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Re: Let me tell you a story.....

Postby daffyd » Sat Jul 13, 2013 7:37 pm

ATHEIST IN THE WOODS



An atheist was walking through the woods.

'What majestic trees!'
'What powerful rivers!'
'What beautiful animals!'
He said to himself.


As he was walking alongside the river, he heard a rustling in the bushes behind him.
He turned to look. He saw a 7-foot grizzly bear charge towards him.
He ran as fast as he could up the path. He looked over his shoulder and saw that the bear was closing in on him.
He looked over his shoulder again and the bear was even closer.
He tripped and fell on the ground.
He rolled over to pick himself up but saw that the bear was right on top of him, reaching for him with his left paw and raising his right paw to strike him...



At that instant the Atheist cried out,
'Oh my God!'

Time Stopped.
The bear froze.
The forest was silent.

As a bright light shone upon the man, a voice came out of the sky.

'You deny my existence for all these years, teach others I don't exist and even credit creation to cosmic accident. Do you expect me to help you out of this predicament? Am I to count you as a believer?'

The atheist looked directly into the light. 'It would be hypocritical of me to suddenly ask you to treat me as a Christian now, but perhaps you could make the BEAR a Christian?'


'Very well', said the voice.


The light went out. The sounds of the forest resumed. And the bear dropped his right paw, brought both paws together, bowed his head and spoke:

'For what I am about to receive, may the Lord make me truly thankful, Amen.'


:please:
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Re: Let me tell you a story.....

Postby daffyd » Sun Jul 21, 2013 8:16 pm

The reason there are so many Irish jokes is because the Irish have a quaint way with words.

Like the Irish patient who hobbled into the Surgery waiting room.
"I hope to God the doctor finds something wrong with me because I'd hate to feel like this if I was well!"
............................................................
Murphy dropped dead the moment he arrived home from a vacation in the tropics.
He was laid out in the coffin for friends and neighbours to pay their last respects.
"He's got a great tan," Mrs Doolan from next door mused. "The holiday did him the world of good."
"And he looks so calm and serene," said Mrs McGuiness.
"That's because he died in his sleep." explained Mrs Murphy, "and he doesn't know he's dead yet,but when he wakes up, the shock will kill him!"
..........................................................

"Your glass is empty O'Flaherty, will you be having another?"
"And why would I be wanting two empty glasses?" replied O'Flaherty.

Murphy arrived home late from the pub, well oiled and ready for trouble.
"Is that you Murphy?" called his wife.
"Byjasis! It damned well better be!"
............................................................................................
Two tough union men were working on a building site when Murphy fell from the second floor scaffolding.
"Are ya dead?" cried Gallagher from above.
"To be sure I am," replied Murphy.
"You are such a liar Murphy that I don't know whether to believe you or not!" called Gallagher.
"That proves I'm dead," said Murphy's voice from the rubble below, "because if I was alive you wouldn't be game to call me a liar!"
.....................................................

Dublin's contestant in an international quiz was waiting for his first question.
"First, what's your name and occupation?" The compere asked.
"Pass", came the reply.
...............................................

Paddy and Shamus were hitchhiking.
"It's best if we split up," said Paddy. "I will meet you in the next city under the town hall clock".
Later that night Shamus was waiting at the appointed place when Paddy drove up in a swank car.
"Where the hell did you get that?"
Paddy explained that he had just walked a little way when a beautiful woman picked him up. She drove into the woods, got out and took all her clothes off.
"She said I could have anything I wanted, so I took the car," said Paddy.
"Good choice too," said Shamus. "You'd look ridiculous in her clothes."
..............................................................................................

PADDY... "If you can guess how many chooks I have in my bag, you can have both of them."
"Three," ? ... suggested Shaun.
.......................................

Paddy was coming through the customs at the airport carrying a large bottle.
"What have you there?" said a suspicious customs officer.
"Tis Lourdes holy water. I am bringing it home with me", said Paddy.
The officer took the bottle and tried some. " Why it's Irish whiskey." ! he spluttered.
"Lord bless me."! said Paddy, "another bloomin`miracle."
..........................................


On his way home one night, Paddy dropped into the pub.
The barman poured him a beer and asked if he wanted to be in a raffle.
"What's it for?" asked Paddy..
"It's for a poor widow with 13 kids." said the barman.
Paddy shook his head, "No good for me. I'd never be able to keep them."
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Re: Let me tell you a story.....

Postby dita » Mon Jul 22, 2013 6:32 pm

:roflmao: :roflmao: :roflmao:
Those Irish know what they
are saying. Love that humour. Thanks.
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Re: Let me tell you a story.....

Postby daffyd » Sat Jul 27, 2013 3:37 pm

Ah, True romance.


A group of women were at a seminar on how to
live in a loving relationship with your husband. The women were
asked, "How many of you love your husband?" All the women raised
their hands. Then they were asked, "When was the last
time you told your husband you loved him?" Some women answered
today, some yesterday, some couldn't remember.
The women were then told
to take out their cell phones and text their husband: "I love
you, sweetheart."
The women were then told to exchange phones and
to read aloud the text message responses.
Here are some of the
replies:

1. Who is this?
2. Are you sick?
3. I love you too.
4. What now? Did you
crash the car again?
5. I don't understand what you
mean?
6. What did you do now?
7. Don't beat around the bush, just tell
me how much you need.
8. Am I dreaming?

9. If you don't tell me
who this message is actually for, someone will die.
10. I thought we agreed
we would not drink during the day.
11. Your mother is coming to
stay, isn't she?
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Re: Let me tell you a story.....

Postby daffyd » Wed Jul 31, 2013 6:52 pm

A nice surprise

A wife comes home early from a trip late at night, and quietly opens the door
to her bedroom.
From under the blanket she sees four legs instead of two.
She reaches for a baseball bat and starts hitting the blanket as hard as she can.
Leaving the covered bodies groaning, she goes to the kitchen to have a drink.
As she enters, she sees her husband there, reading a magazine.
"Hi Darling", he says, "Your parents have come to visit us,
so l let them stay in our bedroom. Did you say 'hello'?"
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Re: Let me tell you a story.....

Postby daffyd » Thu Aug 01, 2013 4:12 pm

THE HISTORY OF 'APRONS'

I don't think our kids know what an apron is.
The principal use of Grandma's apron was to protect the dress underneath because she only had a few. It was also because it was easier to wash aprons than dresses and aprons used less material. But along with that, it served as a potholder for removing hot pans from the oven.
It was wonderful for drying children's tears, and on occasion was even used for cleaning out dirty ears.
From the chicken coop, the apron was used for carrying eggs, fussy chicks, and sometimes half-hatched eggs to be finished in the warming oven.

When company came, those aprons were ideal hiding places for shy kids. And when the weather was cold Grandma wrapped it around her arms. Those big old aprons wiped many a perspiring brow,
bent over the hot wood stove.
Chips and kindling wood were brought into the kitchen in that apron. From the garden, it carried all sorts of vegetables. After the peas had been shelled, it carried out the hulls.
In the fall, the apron was used to bring in apples that had fallen from the trees.

When unexpected company drove up the road, it was surprising how much furniture that old apron could dust in a matter of seconds.
When dinner was ready, Grandma walked out onto the porch, waved her apron, and the men folk knew it was time to come in from the fields to dinner.

It will be a long time before someone invents something that will replace that 'old-time apron' that served so many purposes.

REMEMBER:
Grandma used to set her hot baked apple pies on the window sill to cool. Her granddaughters set theirs on the window sill to thaw.
BOY if that ain't the truth !!!!!!!!!!!!

They would go crazy now trying to figure out how many germs were on that apron.


I don't think I ever caught anything from an apron - but love...
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Re: Let me tell you a story.....

Postby daffyd » Tue Aug 06, 2013 7:46 pm

HAVE A SENSE OF HUMOR

A woman received a call that her daughter was sick.

She stopped by the pharmacy to get medication, got back to her car and found that she had locked her keys inside.

The woman found an old rusty coat hanger left on the ground. She looked at it and said "I don't know how to use this."

She bowed her head and asked God to send her HELP.

Within 1 minutes a beat up old motorcycle pulled up.

A bearded man who was wearing an old biker skull rag.The man got off of his cycle and asked if he could help.

She said: "Yes, my daughter is sick. I've locked my keys in my car. I must get home. Please, can you use this hanger to unlock my car?"

He said "Sure." He walked over to the car, and in less than a minute the car was open.

She hugged the man and through tears said "Thank You SO Much! You are a very nice man."

The man replied "Lady, I am NOT a nice man. I just got out of PRISON yesterday, I was in prison for car theft."

The woman hugged the man again sobbing, "Oh, thank you God! You even sent me a Professional!"

Is GOD Good or What!?
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Re: Let me tell you a story.....

Postby daffyd » Sun Aug 11, 2013 3:30 pm

A pharmacist walked into his shop to find a man leaning against the wall.
"What's wrong with him?", he asked his assistant.
"He came in for cough syrup, but I couldn't find any
so I gave him an entire box of laxatives."
"You idiot" said the chemist, "You can't treat a cough with laxatives."
"Of course you can" the assistant replied,
"Look at him.........he daren't cough now!!"
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